A strange looking raccoon wearing a kilt and matching tartan jester hat saunters in and draws back a curtain showing a female writer working feverishly at a laptop, sweat flying off of her in an almost cartoonish fashion. Sitting next to her holding a cattle prod and pistol is an irritated looking editorial demon. It quickly becomes apparent only her arms are free as she is tied to the chair with what appears to be licorice whips.
“Ladies and gentlemen as you can see your regularly scheduled poster will not be with you today,” the raccoon says in a reasonable approximation of a network television talking head. “Kate Paulk is dreadfully behind on ConSensual, the next of the ‘Jim the Con-going vampire’ series.
“She will return at a later date, however, providing she finishes the rewrites as requested by the editorial demons. The demons and, frankly her fans, had become tired of waiting and kidnapped her. Additionally we are holding her supplies of chocolate hostage and will eat it all before her eyes if she does not finish the book directly. We do apologize for any inconvenience this may cause you.
“We now return you to your regularly scheduled insanity.”
UPDATE: Just received at the Swank Mad Genius Club resort, the following:
Wee haf Kate
Pl pa Paulk and we’re not giving her back unless
1 – you giv us one hunderd dollars in unmarked
penise penies pennies
2- you gift us more con booksies NOW
3- you make Sarah Hoyt
die dye her hair a more plausible shade of brown and also shut up already.
The editorial demons. (We are powerful, but we can’t spell.)