Whose Book Is This, Anyway?

My friends, they know me.
I was complaining to a group of friends-who-are-writers about troubles with a story. (Not the one currently written and awaiting the last beta feedback, but the next one in queue.)

Me: …Or maybe I can light the whole thing on fire and go write something with, I dunno, a girly-girl who likes shopping. And her biggest problem is she can’t find the perfect shoes in her size. And kittens.
And pink.
So much pink.

Friend 1 (A romance writer): LOL, you’d set the mall on fire and have it come under siege by terrorists in 2 chapters.

Friend 2 (A Mil-SF writer): By the end of it you’d have her collapsing someone’s windpipe with the stiletto heels.
And then a lone SOF guy from another country would go in a la Nairobi Mall, evacuate her, and she’d wonder who the masked hero was, run into him in a restaurant, fall in love, eventually recognize the voice, and then she’d save his life in an attempted reprisal against him.

Me: Okay, fine, you know me. I love you too!

…after a little thought…

Me: You’re going to resurrect this thread and ask me when I’m writing it, aren’t you?

Friend 1: I’m giving you a month.

…Instead of working on the project I was complaining about in the first place, I’m two chapters in to this, and nothing’s blown up yet. To the vast disappointment of the betting pool, but they have hopes for chapter three. Sigh. Worse, I suspect they’re right. Maybe, just maybe, if I keep this to a short story I can get through it without anything blowing up, crashing, catching fire… maybe…

13 comments

  1. Heh.

    As your husband and tactical reference library, I’m just waiting for a query to waft my way from your study . . . “Darling, how can I turn crème brûlée into an explosive? I need to blow up a waiter!”

    🙂

    1. Well, crème brûlée requires a small torch as I recall, and powdered flour or confectioner’s sugar in air suspension can be highly explosive, think fuel/air level explosive.
      And then there are the vapors coming off the hot oil fryers, and some very high proof alcohols that burn quite nicely in a hot blue almost transparent flame.

      1. If you feel like experimenting with kitchen chemistry in your backyard — DO THIS WITH PLENTY OF NONFLAMMABLE SPACE AROUND YOU — take a can of Baker’s Joy, spray and light.
        Supposedly, you can use it like a flame thrower although I don’t see how since you’re holding the can in your hand. A friend told me about learning this from a fire safety expert.

        For you non-cooks, Baker’s Joy is grease mixed with flour in a spray can. Similar to Pam but with added flour.

        Dear son loves fire chemistry. Plenty of household chemicals burn very nicely. Again, do it outside on concrete in the firepit when experimenting. So far, dear son has retained his eyebrows.

        1. We used to spray it into an empty Folgers can with the lid on and a hole drilled into the side, then use one of the long fireplace lighters near the hole. That was fun. Not allowed to do it in the backyard after the first time but we lived off a lake so could take it down to the beach and scare the geese.

  2. When I was working on The Book Of Lost Doors series I used to joke about writing, “The Happy Fuzzy Bunnies To Whom Nothing Bad Ever Happened” as my next project.

    But then I realized that it would end up being a Malthusian cautionary tale in which eponymous bunnies somehow get rid of all the predators and overbreed themselves into a cannibalistic orgy of self-destruction.

    1. @Misha: Look up “The Year of the Angry Rabbit” by Russell Braddon.

      😀

  3. I can only refer you to a bit of whimsy from Sarah Hoyt, Deep Pink, where she has Satan assume the persona of a six year old girl. A real fun fest, but I’m sure you can do at least as well.

  4. Bwahahahaha! Yeah, saying something like that to other writers is even worse than just thinking it to yourself. Trust one who once imagined the opinions of the chubby sister of a beauty queen . . .

  5. Dude, I can’t even write about shoe shopping and you’ve seen some of the shoes I buy. I’d blow up the clerks just on principal (principle?). Although, hmm, now I’m tempted to try. I have half a blog post about shoes written, too. Maybe you’re on to something…

  6. …were-kittens. And evil Karen monsters trying to take away all the pink in the world…

    …and orbiting space weapons. No wait, that last bit is my book. ~:D

  7. Sometimes, my story ideas get weird on me. Which is why when I get the really weird ones, I find somebody else’s universe and write fanfic in those to let the pressure off. Doesn’t always help, but it does keep me amused.

    That, and just the sheer comedy value of watching Merlin get punched in the face because he lost a bet shouldn’t ever be underestimated.

  8. love and kisses Dot – go go go

    On Sat, Jun 12, 2021 at 11:00 PM Mad Genius Club wrote:

    > Dorothy Grant posted: “My friends, they know me. I was complaining to a > group of friends-who-are-writers about troubles with a story. (Not the one > currently written and awaiting the last beta feedback, but the next one in > queue.) Me: …Or maybe I can light the whole thing ” >

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