Kate the Impaler and the Convention of Liberty
An after-action report in multiple parts
Having been threatened with dire – albeit unspecified – consequences should she fail to attend the Convention of Liberty in the distant realm of Choo Choo – or rather, the renewal of vows of the Beautiful But Evil Space Princess Sarah and her beloved husband the Mathematician Dan along with the wedding of the Redhead of Doom (or the Other Redhead of Doom, nobody is quite sure which one is which) Cedar to her beloved Sanford, the Evil Muse – the warrior maiden Kate the Impaler did rise before the dawn that she might undertake the grueling journey.
And grueling it was, for first the warrior maiden did take her trusty steed Toyota Camry through the treacherous deeps of Philadelphia highways to brave the dread labyrinth known to the world of Mundania as Philadelphia Airport. Yea, and great was Kate the Impaler’s relief when she did espy a small sign displaying the welcome news, “Long Term Parking, Exit 13”, for the airport exit did be number 12 and thus she might avail herself of a trained guide through the dark winding trails of the labyrinth.
After finding stabling for her trusty steed, Kate the Impaler did haul her packs to the shelter proclaiming that any who waited therein might soon board a carriage which bid fair to convey her and all she carried unto the Great Gates of the Dragon US Airways. And indeed – to the warrior maid’s great astonishment – the carriage did indeed arrive as promised, and did convey the warrior and her packs in moderate comfort unto the Great Gates.
At that dread portal did Kate the Impaler steel herself, for if she were not to bring down upon herself the Wrath of the Sarah and the Wrath of the Cedar, she must endure the indignities of the dragon’s minions as though she were but a lowly peasant seeking approval. Were it another time, perhaps she might have both resources and time to do battle with the dire forces of Fly Under Coercive Knuckles, the dragon minion’s union. This was not that day.
Alas, the claims that departure ere the dawn’s first light would bring queues of smallness proved mere fancy as the long lines of the unfortunates bound to fly in the belly of the dragon did prove. Yet did the warrior maiden maintain the pretense of meekness in the face of insult (after paying to fly and paying this and that and the other tax, paying for checked baggage bloody well is an insult thank you very much) and yet longer queues that did bend upon themselves like a drunken serpent and did move at a speed to make a lazy snail seem a very paragon of speed.
Kate the Impaler’s heart did beat the faster when she espied the Fly Under Coercive Knuckles Perpscan, a dread device of humiliation much beloved by the minions. Fear that she might lose her pose of meek forbearance in the face of this horror did fill her, for though the minions did deserve impalement many times over, the Wrath of Cedar – or worse, the Wrath of Sarah – was not to be countenanced.
Thus did the warrior draw closer to the terrible Perpscan, and begin the ritual of self-effacement and removal of shoes, belt, pocket contents, and other items of a personal nature too sensitive to disclose (my cellphone and kindle, you pervs). Finally, she did enter the Perpscan.
And Lo! The vile nature of the device was revealed, for it detected the warrior maiden’s Thighs of Thunder and the minions did detain Kate the Impaler for “extra scanning”.
To be continued….