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Holy Tectonic Plates, Batman — a blast from the past from ATH 10/10/08

So, you’re thinking, as you sit out there in the audience, chewing your gum – yes, I see you, did you bring enough to share with everyone? – and reading my blog so you can avoid getting any writing done,  you’re thinking “Once I get published, that’s it. I’ll know exactly what I’m doing, and everything will be perfect forever and ever amen.”

Of course, if you’re already published, you’re probably aware that no elf came by with a magic wand and endowed you with the ability to write effortlessly. (If one did I don’t want to hear it. Lalalalalalalala.)

The truth is not just that it never ends. The truth is that it never stops being weird and painful. I’ve published now – counts on fingers – one, two three, seven, ten (removes shoes) fourteen novels, if you count a couple that are absolutely secret (if I told you they wouldn’t be secret, now, would they? However, the first bright boy or girl to come to my house, do the litter boxes, dust, sweep and cook dinner for the next week gets told the names and author name) and I’ve always been aware that there were things I didn’t do right.

Oh, come on, admit it, those of you who are writers know this. There’s things you can do, and things you can’t. You start out and – if you’re honest with yourself – you see all these huge flaws. You look at published stories and you wonder how the hell they do it. You know your stuff is not just different quantitatively – it’s not just “he does more of this” – but qualitatively. It’s a different beast altogether. You gape in wonder at the grownups stuff and you go “Oh, wow, if only I could write a story like THAT I’d be happy.”

And you read and you study, you learn, you look for hints. And you collect your kicks in the… er… I mean rejections, advice letters and critiques. And you sit up in the cold, dark night and wonder if you’ll ever be a real writer and you know that when you get there, you’ll do everything perfectly and it will be EASY.

(Rubs nose doubtfully) To tell you the absolute truth, maybe there is a point at which you do that. I wouldn’t know. Maybe Heinlein just let the prose pour out. Doesn’t seem like that if you read Grumbles, but who am I to ask? There are others. Terrry Pratchett before his health issues. Maybe stuff just came out. Who knows? (Somehow I can hear him laughing if he ever reads this.) But those are geniuses. People so far above the mortals like us that it doesn’t truly matter what THEIR rules are. We’re still out here slogging through the mud.

Partly through taking art – the process is not that much different – I’ve identified phases to this slogging. First there’s the phase at which you’re so ignorant that you think you’re doing everything wonderfully. Now, unless you start writing or art as a toddler, this phase is usually when you’ve picked up some basic principles. So, you’re not drawing stick figures. And you’re not writing about Spot and his endless marathon. You’re doing creative, usually fatally flawed, stuff, that you’re pleased with, because it’s so much better than you could do untutored. And you have clue zero there’s anything wrong with it.

For most people this is the hobby phase. You’re doing this stuff for fun. You steal every minute you can to do it. You do it to please yourself, which means some bits of it might be QUITE good – intense and dark, or intense and light, full of the sort of things that produce and immediate reaction. These are the bits that interest you. The bits that don’t interest you look kind of like those clay ashtrays all of us made in kindergarten. (Except me. I got kicked out of kindergarten for talking back. BEFORE clay.)

Then you learn a little more. This part is disturbing, because you’re usually not TRYING to learn and it’s not like you think anything you do is wrong, right? You’re just playing with it a lot. (I’d appreciate it if the gentleman in the back stopped giggling) and you’re reading your normal stuff and despite your best intentions you start realizing your stuff is not even, it’s not RIGHT and it might not even be – gasp – any good.

The very first time you come to this fork in the road, you have a choice – it might be the last time you have it, so listen CAREFULLY – if you’re stuck at this point, and your writing is no longer as much fun as it used to be, but you have no idea how to improve it, walk away. Walk away fast. Remember Lot’s wife and do not under any circumstances look back.

Sigh, you’re not going to, are you? Okay, then. The bad news are that if you don’t’ walk away now, you’ve entered a possibly never ending process, one garanteed to drive you mad, if you are not so already. (It’s been my experience if you’re setting out to become a writer being mad doesn’t hurt and might help.)

If you’re lucky, you’re a rational writer and learn intellectually. The sad truth is very few of us are, at least from what I can gather from sodden-drunk sessions at con bars. Most of us learn through our toes, our fingers, our nostrils or somewhere other than our brain. This of course explains the MILES of how to books every pro I know owns, only about half of them ever fully read. (We’re hoping the knowledge makes it into the brain by osmosis.)

I’m not saying reading how to books doesn’t help. It does, or at least some of them do. (After years of trial and error I’ve developed “signs to look for” for what might help and what should be thrown from a height, preferably an airplane. If enough people ask, I might share that.) As does reading authors who are good at what you wish to do and re-reading it to study how they do it. Then you pulp it all and ingest it. (Not literally – metamucil is cheaper.) And you HOPE. At this point, at least for me, the worst I can do is to start looking at my own writing for signs of improvement. “Am I better at plotting now?”

Of course because this is the most stupid thing I can do, it is exactly what I do. And this is one of most horrendous “phases” of the writing process. You look at everything you ever wrote and you think it’s dreck and some of you – you know who you are. AMANDA, put the matches down RIGHT NOW. I’m not kidding, missy – will take all of your stuff out in the yard and burn it at this stage. This is stupid, counterproductive, vaguely masochistic and deranged. Congratulations, you’re probably a writer. No other species known to man or beast has that few self-preservation instincts.

At some point, if you’re like most of us, and you probably are – possibly after someone has called the fire department – you realize that you’re never going to be any good, but oh, holy f*ck, you have to keep writing. It’s not that you enjoy it, exactly. It’s more that it’s like a broken tooth to which your tongue returns over and over and over again. Like playing with scabs.

Like any other mental illness, this thing we call writing hauls you back, body and soul, and MAKES you do it. (Well, that’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it. The devil made me do it.) And you slog through grey despair for a while. It can be hours, days, months, years.

And then things… shift. And in the way of the writing life – yes, I DID promise you a rose garden. The roses are carnivorous, the stems are covered in thorns and they secrete a poisonous substance. Look, I told you to run while you could, didn’t I? – it feels… worse.

I refer to this sensation as “being lost in someone else’s underwear” but it is also akin to wearing too tight clothes, or scratchy ones. You know your writing has changed, but you don’t think it’s gotten better, as such. It’s just gotten different. In some undefinable way it keeps escaping your control, doing things you never expected it to. And it feels like going insane. It’s like part of you is playing silly buggers with the rest of you. It’s like playing poker with yourself and you are cheating and you try to call yourself out and…

This is the time at which it is a very good idea to avoid all sharp objects, rope objects, gun objects and for the love of heaven water objects. Stay with me. It will only get worse. And you’ll like it. Because you’re one of the few, the truly screwed up, the writers. Wear it proudly. (Heaven knows, might be the only thing you wear. Clothing stores don’t take monopoly money. I’ve tried.)

And then you wake up one morning, and you read something you wrote while your mind seemed to be physically divided and you go “Holly tectonic plates, Batman! Something HAS shifted. I can now do x” (Whatever has been tormenting you.)

At this point half in jest and all seriously I MUST warn all beginner or not so beginner writers reading this that what you should do when everything is wrong is write. Write a lot. When I was only a small larval writer – on my way to being a small to medium larval writer. Yes, rather proud of myself, I am – wiser heads than mine (Hello Kris and Dean) though this might be damning with faint praise told me to “trust the process” and that in this field you “learn by doing.” The more you do, the more you learn. The first was of course a null program. I don’t trust anything. Born that way. I could be one of Heinlein’s True Witnesses. The second… Well, I gave it a spin and found they were right. (Hot d*mn.)

Does this mean that from then on you won’t struggle with this issue again? Uh… not EXACTLY. It means, you’ve climbed the mountain and now that path you came up? Yeah, it looks smooth and easy, but you can also see a bit further up through the clouds, and you realize it goes up and up an up. (Put down the rope object now! And the leather object! Oh, wait. That one wasn’t for… never mind. [blushes and closes door.])

Take me – PLEASE? Lord knows I don’t particularly want me most of the time – I came into this field with ONE clear gift (Just remember, pace Fernando Pessoa – and others – the gods sell all that they give. It was a gift, yes, but not exactly a blessing) I can create characters effortlessly. In other words, there are voices in my head, they come with personalities and histories. I don’t have to do anything for it. They’re not based on anyone I know (though I’ve been known to steal incidents, anecdotes and jokes from all of you. Sorry. It’s a writer thing.) They just… pour out.

To compensate, I came into this field, first with a complete lack of understanding of DESCRIPTION which took me a good… ten years to master and not just throw in massive lumps over the landscape. (No, sir, we are not interested in what we thought of our last book. Do you REALLY want to stay after class to clean chalk erasers? Right. [clears throat])

However, my bette noir, what has bedeviled me from the very beginning is… plot. How to make it credible – and of course, being blessed with a highly unusual mind doesn’t help. What seems logical to me often makes people go “uh?” (I said unusual. I’m sticking to unusual. At least until unusual takes a shower.) BEYOND that, there were other issues, mostly how to keep the plot moving. (I never had much issue with torturing my characters. Not sure what that means about me except that at the best of times, I have enough free-floating anger around to blast a small third world country into oblivion.)

I’ve struggled with plot. It’s been my mystic trial. Odin’s tree, where I hang suspended, blind and without a clue.

Does this mean I didn’t get better? Or I didn’t try?

Oh, neither. I started getting published when my plots were on the ragged edge of existing. (Don’t believe me? Go find Ill Met By Moonlight. You will.) My bookshelf, JUST the one facing me, has Twenty master Plots, plot, Plots Unlimited, how to plot your thriller, Beginnings, middles and ends, Poisons and antidotes (um… wait, that’s for when the others fail.) And a dozen others. I’ve diagramed my favorite books. I’ve thrown my least favorite books against the wall (Um, wait there. That’s just for fun.) I worried about it till my hair went white (again, that’s my story. Unless I’m talking to Robert, in which case it’s his fault since it happened when he was born. Really, white hair at 28? SERIOUSLY? Isn’t it bad enough I’m a writer? Why must I be further punished?)

And then, and then, you ask. I can see you on the edge of your seats. Did the clouds above part? Did choirs of heaven descend upon me and sing? No. (And this is probably fortunate. I have two angels as characters right now and trust me, while their descending upon me might have… er… certain… um… upsides [sir, if you don’t stop giggling, you’ll have to leave.] mostly it would be terrifying.) I’ve just endured a series of incremental “thunks” where I do not so much climb another step, as the step drops away and beneath me, leaving me for a while like the road roader suspended mid air. And then another step appears in front of me.

I’m going into this, because while I was writing both Heart and Soul and Gentleman Takes A Chance – which for reasons known only to my psychiatrist (if I had one. I mean, seriously, do you think I’d take THIS near anyone with power to have me committed?) insisted on coming out together, like some sort of literary siamese twins – I was going through the most painful of these phases. Lost in someone’s underwear. And it was weird underwear. It had six legs. (No, I truly don’t want to KNOW.) None of it made sense. I wandered in the dark without clue, and when I lit the light of clue the shape it showed made no sense. It was so like going insane, and my head felt so “divided” that I couldn’t finish the books without isolating myself completely in a hotel room for a few days and MAKING me do it. (Try holding your nose to the grindstone. JUST try it. It’s your nose and your hand, and you flinch back, instinctively.)

If I could, if I thought there was half a chance in hades I wouldn’t come back to writing, I would have given back the advances and walked away. But I know myself too well. Giving up writing is easy. I’ve done it DOZENS of times. Once it lasted two weeks. So I stuck to it, and I sent these books out still cringing. And then I started the next.

Choirs of angels? No. But all of a sudden I realized what I had been doing wrong. I’m not going to say all of a sudden my plots are the fastest thing this side of the Pecos River. (Zoom, there goes one!) I don’t know if they are. But all of a sudden, blindly, though I’m plotting the same way I always do (about thirty pages per novel, chapter by chapter) the pieces are clicking together RIGHT and the gears are moving as if oiled. And those two books I sent out cringing? Probably best I’ve written. So far. (Dipped, Stripped and Dead and DarkShip Thieves are turning out magnitudes better. Again.)

Only there is something wrong. Something is shifting underfoot. I don’t know what it is. Is it plot? Is it voice? – which lately has started worrying me? – something is moving. I’ll look at what I wrote and I don’t want to change it but it feels odd. Like being lost in someone’s underwear. And it’s weird underwear. I think it’s got tentacle-receptacles. (Sir, please, I thought I asked you to stop giggling?)

Holy Tectonic Plates, Batman! Here we go again. (Looks lovingly towards the poison and antidotes book, sighs and goes to hold nose against grindstone.)


  1. So…umm…if you are on, like revision 43, do you still call them Beta Readers? Or do you work your way down the alphabet, into the Greek alphabet, then Cyrillic….?

    March 1, 2015
    • I’m actually on revision 3 but now I have the voice, at last. And the betas have only seen four chapters of this one.

      March 1, 2015
  2. Blessed are those who have wiling and capable Beta Readers, and blessed are those who are asked to become Beta Readers.
    It’s not just your old/bad/amateurish work that goes on the bonfire. In ‘Bang the Drum Slowly’ deNiro burns all of his old sports clippings, and in ‘Leaving Las Vegas’ Nicholas Cage does the same thing with all his old scripts. In those examples, they were saying goodbye to the glory days that were never going to come again, but there is a healthy way to make a bonfire, too. It’s a pretty good idea for me to burn what I thought was going to happen, if in the light of the fire I can see the gift of what I’m doing right now.

    March 1, 2015
  3. Eamon J. Cole #

    Turtle Inspection Bureau, random turtle assessment.

    Hope you’ve been keeping tight turtles…

    March 1, 2015
  4. Sooo… judging from the last bit, you’re writing a tentacular spectacular?


    March 1, 2015
  5. (After years of trial and error I’ve developed “signs to look for” for what might help and what should be thrown from a height, preferably an airplane. If enough people ask, I might share that.)

    Haven’t even finished reading the entry yet, but consider me as having asked. 😉

    March 1, 2015
    • Laura M #

      Sarah has often recommended Dwight Swain’s Techniques of a Selling Writer. It is an awesome book, and really addresses the nuts and bolts of dramatic conflict and tension.

      March 1, 2015
      • Third this. It really helped me see what I needed to do to make a story build (or to give a loosy-goosy story a kick in the rump).

        March 1, 2015
        • Oh, I already have Swain’s book. It’s something I go through again from time to time as a refresher. I was interested in the “how to identify good writing books” idea.

          March 1, 2015
  6. And funny you should use a metaphor of stairs in there. Something like this maybe:

    March 1, 2015
  7. The insanity. The doubt. The masochism. The slow realization that something has happened to your writing, but you have no idea whether it’s for the better … yep, yep, yep. Nodding all the way through this essay.

    March 1, 2015
  8. Oh good, so I’m not as crazy as I thought. Because the last two books have been soooo strange to write. It was only two weeks ago that I had any idea where the WWI book was going, and the writing feels . . . off. For both of them. Something happened between writing _Blackbird_ and everything else and I have no idea what or why, or if it is a good thing. *shrug* Guess I’ll find out.

    March 1, 2015
  9. Bujold certainly does it. Solid book, solid book, experiment book, solid book. You can go through her entire body of work like that. People used to freak out (“Oh, she’s lost her touch! She’s not perfect this time!”), but by now most of her regular readers are used to it. I think it’s a healthy thing, albeit I do wish a few of her experiments had gotten an eensy bit more spackle from editors. But I wouldn’t want her to stop changing.

    March 1, 2015
  10. I desperately need to give someone some feedback on their writing. Who is next? I would appreciate yer kind guidance.
    Here’s my count of Mad Genius Club reviews I’ve done on Amazon: At 6 reviews, three way tie with Cedar Sanderson, Peter Grant, and Sarah Hoyt. 5 reviews: Amanda Green. 4 reviews: Jason Cordova, David Freer, and Pam Uphoff. Nobody at 3. With 2 reviews: David Pascoe and Henry Vogel. And with a single, lonely 1 review: Ellie Ferguson (is that someone’s pen name?) Alma Boykin, Christopher Nuttall, Laura Montgomery, JL Curtis, and John Van Stry. Also reviewed, but at the time of the review, her book wasn’t on Amazon, Teresa (TK) Anthony, and Henry has one pending in that category as well.
    Notes: 1. A few of those names are not MGC members, but are authors who are MGC fans or who have written guest columns.
    2. I can only read KU (or Baen) works, and that’s why Kate Paulk’s name doesn’t appear.
    3. I don’t know if Ellie Ferguson is willing to give me another chance at a review or not. When I reviewed “Hunted,” I did not understand that the paranormal romance genre required a certain amount of explicit love scenes, and I botched the review. Once I did my research, which I SHOULD have done before I read the book and not after, I went back and edited the review, but I’m embarrassed that I messed up. I’m not really a super-prude; I read Ringo’s stuff, but I just skip over the parts I find silly/over the top, and what I read in Hunted comes nowhere near the goofy bondage stuff in the Paladin of Shadows series. I’d be happy to review Ellie’s work, but I may have made myself persona non grata.
    I am finishing Henry Vogel’s third book (which has yet to be published), but after that, my desk is clear. Well, there’s a cat on it, but in terms of reviews to do, it’s clear. I am prompt, detailed, and devoted to the task, so:
    Any volunteers?

    March 1, 2015
    • Ellie is Amanda’s pen name. (G)

      March 1, 2015
      • Okay, that puts Amanda in a four way tie with six reviews, and a two way tie with you for number of pen names read at 3 each.
        And it’s not NICE to mess with yer adoring public that way…(goes into corner and pouts… picks up kindle and starts reading… stops pouting)

        March 1, 2015
        • LOL.
          She came out as Ellie a while back.
          As for my pen names, some of them I only give away for house cleaning 😉

          March 1, 2015
    • Well, if you’re looking, I can always use reviews. 😉

      March 1, 2015
      • And he’s DEFINITELY a “Friend of Mad Genius.” Ahem… he could totally give me a guest post too. Not that I’m asking — okay, I’m asking. I need to cue a few for the last two weeks of the month.

        March 1, 2015
        • Okay, so tonight I finish Henry’s “Scout’s Duty,” and get one by Sarah & one by David, & then Laura’s when it arrives.
          That takes care of Sunday night and part of Monday…

          March 1, 2015
        • Sarah, I’ve already read everything (I think, but I’ll have to double-check) you’ve got with Baen, so I can review any of those. Are there any in particular?
          Same question for David, and I’m patpatterson12 at comcast dot net.
          I wonder if my blog can take a message? Have to check on that.

          March 1, 2015
          • Well, I AM trying to push A Few Good Men…

            March 1, 2015
            • Already read it (it was GREAT!!!!!) & will review as soon as I finish Henry’s book.

              March 1, 2015
          • Quickest way to point you at my stuff is through my “My titles for sale” page on my blog:


            The first eight items are explicitly mine. The rest are anthologies (including that “Heroes in Hell” series about which we no longer talk) and magazines in which some of my work has appeared.

            And, frankly, at this point I’m more than willing to give out free copies in exchange for reviews.

            March 1, 2015
            • Laura M #

              They’re called “review copies.” 🙂

              March 1, 2015
            • David, I already picked up “EMT” and “Survival Test” by going to your author page on Amazon.
              I did a review of “Shakespeare in Hell” last summer, but I don’t remember it having your name on it. Was that not to be mentioned?
              Ooops. So sorry. So very sorry. (does Basil Fawlty imitation)

              March 1, 2015
    • I’ve got some up on Kindle. Search for Michael Hooten, and the first one I did is Cricket’s Song (also available as three novellas, if you like). And I could always use a beta reader if you’re so inclined.

      March 1, 2015
      • Okay, got it. And email me about what you would like as beta reader.

        March 1, 2015
        • How can I find your email address?

          March 2, 2015
          • I thought I had included it in an earlier message, but I don’t see it now. It is patpatterson12 at comcast dot net and I hope the spiders haven’t figured out that ploy yet.

            March 2, 2015
    • All I’ve got is a Novelette that I’ve made the new-year’s resolution to stop flogging and get on with my next project. I don’t know if you’d like it, nobody does. (Well, oddly, three copies have sold this week after two months of nothing). Cedar actually gave me a review I value a lot, considering it really wasn’t her kind of thing. She titled it “Viscerally Disturbing” if that gives you any hint….

      March 1, 2015
      • I downloaded it, read it, but I’m not going to review it publicly. I can explain that to you privately. If you want to know more, write me at patpatterson12 at comcast dot net

        March 4, 2015
  11. Laura M #

    Pat, if you write me at mntgmrylr at I will figure out how to get you a Smashwords coupon for my other book to get you a review copy. It’s not in KU, and not likely to be anytime soon. I’m still all happy from the other review you did, so if someone else contacts you I can wait.

    March 1, 2015
  12. When I was hanging with artists, the line was that you had a thousand horrible drawings to get out of your system before you started to get any good.

    If a picture’s worth a thousand words, then writers probably have a million words that should never see the light of day to get out before they should let anyone see their stories.

    Or in short, keep practicing, but every time you write, you are STILL practicing.

    March 1, 2015
    • Laura M #

      Good point. They call it practicing law, too. My dad once asked me when I was going to get good at it.

      March 1, 2015

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