From the Archives of If You Put It In A Book Nobody Would Accept It

Or: Further Proof that Einstein was Right and Stupidity Has No Limits.

So you’re writing something and you want a really dopey but ugly and divisive social movement to make things difficult for your characters. You go cruising the online news looking for something sufficiently dumb, preferably with a decent level of comedy value to lighten the tension a bit, and you stumble upon this gem.

At which point, if you’re anything like me, you scream and beat your head against your desk because you know, you just know that if you ever wrote anything that ridiculous and stupid into a story nobody with any sense would believe a word of it – and you’d get hate mail (okay, hate tweets) from the glittery hoo haa crowd (of course, being a good Human Waver, you already get hate tweets claiming you’re a charter member of the Evil League of Evil. You’d get hate mail only they really aren’t up to it), and you don’t need your inbox getting even more overloaded.

This, my friends, is why we keep saying that fiction has to make a degree of sense and real life does not. Can any of you see any way in the universe where it could possibly make sense that feminists reject transgender folk because they’re not oppressed enough? Leaving aside the little issue that in this part of the world neither is particularly oppressed compared to say… oh… practically anywhere that isn’t a first world Western democracy?

I’m not even going into the whole “real women have dicks” thing because it’s just too easy to… oh screw it. Yes, real women do indeed have dicks. Usually attached to said real woman’s husband although I know at least one real woman who has a metaphorical one that could… um. Let’s not go there. The thing is, real women’s husbands have dicks, and they’re quite happy to share them with the real women. On the other claw, it’s very rare to find a real woman who is a dick, which both sides of this little cat-fight most certainly are.

Aside from anything else, what would anyone do with a six foot penis? Take it to dinner? Buy it an XXL sized raincoat? This really is the ultimate in stupid childish behavior, from people who claim to be the ultimate in superiority. I’ve seen toddlers throw better tantrums than this.

Moving away from the so called feminists with their dick jokes, it seems that the uber radical hissy-fits aren’t playing well with their supposed audience who apparently are turning away from the whole movement in droves. Of course, said movement (which really strikes me as more the kind of movement you get when you overdo it with the prunes, but I digress…) is convinced it’s because women “don’t understand feminism”. Definitely the prunes. And probably the “herbal” inhalable relaxants and things, as well, because we’re not talking a disconnect with reality here, we’re talking people who wouldn’t know reality if they trod in it.

Seriously, people, get a grip (no, not on the six foot dick. Your hands aren’t big enough). How can we writers rip you off for plot fodder when you’re so utterly ridiculous there’s no way we can massage what you’re doing to make it seem even a little bit plausible. This is so far beyond “and then he went crazy” territory there are no words for it.

Heinlein was wrong. We passed the crazy years a long time ago and have entered the twilight of the whinging witless wonders.

63 thoughts on “From the Archives of If You Put It In A Book Nobody Would Accept It

  1. Having the opposite problem–I’ve got a short story with an ecoterrorist, and I’m having a lot of trouble getting it over the line into laughable. How do you get to parody when “people shouldn’t exist” is a passably mainstream concept? 😛

    That said… I’ve always found to be the “who’s more oppressed than whom” aspects of feminism to be absolutely hilarious, and this was no exception. LOL!

  2. I heard about this feminist brouhaha yesterday and almost bit my tongue. I bet Pam could put this into the Wine of the Gods, no problem. But the rest of us? Maybe in my terraforming company stories–

    1. Don’t tempt me! Oh . . . too late. My cross-dimensional smugglers are going to have to start trading with a postmodern femocracy world. Some of those potions will be real hits. Especially when snuck into an opponent’s drink . . . With luck I can hold it down to a short story . . . in the far future of the Multiverse, since the smugglers haven’t made it into publication yet.

      This sort of nonsense was actually where the Wine of the Gods series got started. Genetic engineering to produce superior humans . . . with attributes that could only be inherited father to son, since they were on the Y chromosome. Quickly followed by “even better” additions to the X chromosome, including a gene to destroy male sperm so only daughters would be born . . . Then exile all the genetically engineered abominations.

      Any chance we can start the exile early? These females are a disgrace to the human race. Fortunately they are removing themselves from the gene pool the old fashioned way. Shouldn’t take more than a few more generations before whatever genetic basis their behavior has, no longer exists.

      1. Alas, they’re not removing themselves quickly enough. And far too many people listen to them.

      1. Squick is right – I am squicking to the bathroom now. ROFL and yes– Maybe my tech could find out why more people are gender swapping than should in a certain population? and how to hook up the all-male world with the all-female world when they realize that cloning tires out the genes and doesn’t add “good” material to the gene pool.

      2. You could make it dystopian, where a mysterious central authority determines your gender for the year, or libertarian, with people grabbing the gender they feel will grant them the most popularity …

        1. “Look, I just got pregnant! I _can’t_ switch to male at the end of year!”

          Oh, you could have fun with bureaucrats and courts.

          1. You can have that plot bunny all to yourself. I get into enough trouble without gender-swapping.

  3. Going along with the title (I’ll let the ladies slug it out with the feminists), David Weber once commented about people complaining that he had “smart” characters doing “stupid” things.

    So he told about a historical character who was actually smart but made some very stupid mistakes.

    He ended with saying that his readers might not accept a character based on this historical character. [Smile]

    1. I know a few people like that. Hell, there are people who wouldn’t believe MY life if someone fictionalized it, and I”m hardly that exotic.

      1. I’ve sometimes thought “I’m the smartest person alive and that’s scary because of all the stupid things I’ve done”. [Wink]

  4. Sure you can use things this ridiculous–readers will just nod sagely and say, “boy, you nailed the description of {hated group}”

    1. Possibly a case of WordPress doth sucketh mightily, yea, unto the level of the Hoover.

  5. Eh, second try. Does WP choke on curly brackets?

    Sure, you can use things this ridiculous. People will just nod sagely and say you nailed (whatever group they hate) just right.

    1. But if they don’t know the specific group being represented, they will look at it and go, “No way. It’s not possible for anyone to be this stupid.”

        1. Unless of course your group happens to be one they like… Or echo one they like.

          Or unless you’re particularly sadistic and enjoy the music of all those screams of righteous outrage.

  6. At first, I thought you were going to be talking about the BBC gardening show that’s being accused of fascism and racism.
    (Because talking about invasive weeds is *obviously* a racist dogwhistle.)

    As to the controversy at hand…
    The problem is that there’s an obvious endpoint that has to be reached for the feminists not become a laughingstock, but the feminists have a great deal of difficulty getting there without violating their shibboleths.
    Men and women are different? You’d get drubbed out of the movement.
    You shouldn’t feed into the delusions of the delusional? Heck, that’s the Left’s raison d’etre.

      1. Repeat after me. “Stupid has no limits”. Those are the only words that apply here.

  7. Doesn’t the whole thing rather make you want to get a big bowl of popcorn and settle back to watch it unfold?

    I’m particularly amused that neither side can disentangle “Women’s Medicine” (where, insofar as it is *women’s* medicine, has to be based body conformation) from “Women’s Politics” (where, apparently, “Women” is a malleable social definition).

    Or is this just a case of the “No True Scotswymyn” fallace?

          1. Damn it, I was going to say “phallusy” but TXRed got there first. Damn not being able to post at work…

  8. I’m recalled to one of my favorite lines ever in a book “(They’re) the only thing in the universe more plentiful than hydrogen and stupidity.”

    1. I suspect that should be the other way around. Stupidity is CLEARLY far more abundant than hydrogen.

      1. Unfortunately, I think you have the right of it. It’s also a renewable resource, because stupid people constantly produce more of it.

  9. You know, somewhere Susan B. Anthony, Mary W. Montague, and the Eumenadies (“the kindly ones”) are looking down at this saying, “great oogly moogly. These shrieking harpies are giving harpies a bad name.” Because (if I’s up to date on my scorecard) only those born with two X chromosomes and who have been deprived of something, think they have been deprived of something, and/or have a grudge against 75% of the rest of the population at least, are women.

    1. I’m sure there are some rather pissed harpies hanging around going “Is THIS our legacy? Oh Hades, no.”

  10. You know… if your response to “You’re not invited because you intimidate me” is vandalism and death threats, you might just have to consider they’ve got a point….

    (Mostly on Team Popcorn here, but… really???)

    1. Well… there is that and I’ve heard suggestions that the women-with-penises causing a stink in various localities are particularly aggressive and supposedly don’t *intend* to medically transition, they just want into all of the women’s spaces with their penises intact. That’s a spurious rumor I’ve no way of confirming, so…

      The particular *argument* or explanation or whatever, that trans-women aren’t oppressed in our society and can never know what it’s like to be a woman is on the outside of bizarre.

      (And the extension of it, that trans-women have power because they could *choose* to be male or female is certainly right up there on the top of the list of thoughts that must not be thunk.)

  11. How can we writers rip you off for plot fodder when you’re so utterly ridiculous there’s no way we can massage what you’re doing to make it seem even a little bit plausible. This is so far beyond “and then he went crazy” territory there are no words for it.

    Is it brainbreak day? Yay! 😀 I have something to share too! I was… made aware of something on the same line of ‘you have no idea what the hell you’re talking about’ dumb.

    Pay special attention to the logo, but I suggest not eating or drinking anything while looking at the link. We writers value our keyboards and monitors, aye? OBLIGATORY SPIT-TAKE TRIGGER WARNING!

    Gay Neo Nazi-Russians and Neo Nazi Malaysians. A somewhat related (in the anti-gay movements of Russia sort of way) is ‘Occupy Paedophilia,’ the title of which just makes my skin crawl.

    I really couldn’t try make any of this up. Ever. And if I ever tried to include this into any story (unlikely, because it would not make any sense to do so) people would tell me that it’s unrealistic. And that’s about the kindest thing anyone would say.

    If some of you lovely folks would like to see a hilarious fisking of this, pop over to jordan179 dot livejournal dot com. It’s the topmost post as of this writing. Again, no drinking or eating, but this time because of laughter.

    1. Oh, sweet lord. The Russian Pink Triangle Club… And that fisking is truly a delight. Although the logo is… er.. Oh screw it. Anyone who is interested will find the fisking at Go read it, but don’t have anything in your mouth, because you WILL spray it everywhere. Either when you imagine that banner flying proudly over a battlefield (weaker opponents would take one look and flee. Stronger opponents would decide “we don’t take prisoners”), or when you get to the comment about the German Greens…

        1. Gay Neo Nazi-Russians… oh my. Maybe a bunch of subs who get all hot and bothered over the thought of being manhandled and badly mistreated by actual Nazis? 😀

          1. One wonders… the actual Nazis were not exactly overly concerned with the survival of the so-called sub-humans, funnily enough.

            1. But since they are now history – at least as people who run a society – these submissives are free to fantasize all they want without any consequences (at least as a group, presumably there is always the risk that some of them, as individuals, might become victims of some neo-Nazis who adhere a bit closer to the original tenets of their historical idols and get angry at the idea of some ‘sub-humans’ trying to walk into their territory).

        2. That banner is… astonishing. Dueling penises under the Nazi swastika. Sounds like a great idea, right? (Okay… so what WERE they smoking at the time?)

            1. OMG! And here I thought that was just crappy reproduction, but no…. it’s the PENISWASTIKA! That needs a trademark. Seriously.

                1. Hoo yeah. It surely would. And I’d be the fly on the wall beside you giggling madly.

    2. The original Nazi Party had a very prominent homosexual faction up until 1934. Look up Earnst Rohm.

      1. And the Night of the Long Knives rather ended that. As I read the information, that faction was only tolerated because they were fighters (“warriors”) and useful. As soon as the “useful” aspect started to wane they met the usual fate.

      2. Yes… Of this I am aware and at the same time you note that it happened only until a certain point. After that gays were very much on their ‘list of folk to be eradicated from the world,’ unless the literati would like to change that bit of history and make me ‘wrong’ on that…

        1. I’m sure they’d love to change that bit of history, along with all the rest – except that they need to keep the Nazis as the ultimate evil, otherwise they run out of mass murderers too fast and get left with their darling communists as the only candidates.

  12. So, I’d just written a short rant on Marvel’s feminist stupidity over on my blog. Stopped by here, and the topic is…even more feminist stupidity. About the time Marvel was first ticking me off by cutting down any female character who could go toe-to-toe with the boys (Dark Phoenix and Ororo), I was taking a class in Feminist Perspectives on Women. After reading through mind-bending essays across the spectrum from raging chauvinism to raging feminism, I came to the conclusion that they both have their roots in the same evil: a hatred of womanhood. RadFems decry their own biology and would rather be men, because they’ve bought into the chauvinist vision that it’s their only path to equality. Real women know better.

  13. Well thank you all for getting my Friday morning off to great start.

    However no one seems to ha commented on what I consider the best line in the entire rant:
    the kind of movement you get when you overdo it with the prunes

    Just as many people understand the term “canoe beer” based on the old joke, henceforth I’m going to be refering to a whole bunch of these weirdo groups as “prune movements”. I suspect it won’t take long for the meaning to spread. And if it does Kate Paulk can take a bow when it shows up in popular culture

Comments are closed.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: