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An Embarrassment of Riches

Or something, anyway. Because while I was trying to decide what to write about for today’s post, there was a positive wealth of stupidity on offer, along with several sides of glitter, the delightful news that all of us here are “fascists” according to the League of the Perpetually Butthurt as embodied by one Damien Walter (I pity the poor fellow’s parents – I mean, really. They name him Damien, expecting to get, you know, the Antichrist, and instead they get this poor useless wimp who presumably farts glitter and cries when anyone suggests that he might, maybe not be perfect. It’s enough to make any self-respecting Satanist give up and convert to Christianity) and his sidekick (oh, wait, that’s not right, he’s male, she’s female, in that world she must be the heroine (and damn did I ever want to leave of that ‘e’ because you’d swear that’s what she’s on)) Cora B-something who despite being from what used to be East Germany and being female appears to have the world’s biggest hard-on for communist everything.

Maybe her family was higher up the food chain than the average East German and she misses the good life the good loyal Party officials got?

Anyway, dear Cora nominated the entire Mad Genius Club to Damien-lite as the big “fascists” of the genre, along with such heinous creatures as Tom Kratman, Larry Correia, Vox Day (whatever you think of him, if there’s a Glittery Hoo Haa making a list of the most evil people in SFF, Vox will be on that list – and I would not object to his sales figures, thank you very much), and of course our very own Sarah Hoyt. Who gets on the list twice because of that. Once as herself, and once with the rest of us – which is perfectly acceptable because she is the Beautiful but Evil Space Princess of the Evil League of Evil (and speaking as a charter member of the Evil League of Evil – oh, yes I am, and I have the badge to prove it! – I can assure you that Sarah is indeed a magnificently Beautiful but Evil Space Princess of the Evil League of Evil (as well as the only Beautiful but Evil Space Princess of the Evil League of Evil )).

But what does it mean, you ask. Well, no, you don’t, because you know damn well I’m going to tell you anyway. Aside from the dedicated campaign by the Social Justice Warriors of the Sacred Glittery Hoo Haa to render words like “fascist” and “racist” and practically anything else “-ist” meaningless by applying it to anything and everything they dislike, it means that most wonderful of things, free publicity. Free publicity, folks. Those who contribute to Tom’s and Larry’s and all’s sales numbers will see my name with theirs and some of them will think, “This Kate Paulk chick must be okay, if these people hate her that much.” and some of those will buy and the money will come rolling in, right?

Okay, that part of my evil plan of world domination hasn’t quite materialized yet, but it’s early days.

So, how does it feel being a “fascist”?

I have to say it doesn’t feel any different than normal. I haven’t had any cravings to make the Italian trains run on time or take over any industries on behalf of the Italian government. I’m certainly no more evil than usual, although it is possible that I hit some kind of evil event horizon a while back and simply can’t get more evil.

Do let me know if any of you find yourself experiencing strange urges to do with world domination – oh, wait, scratch that. We already have those – nationalizing everything and making it look like they’re working better than ever before, getting your evil minions those spiffy 1930s uniforms (and in my case getting a higher class of evil minion to pour into said spiffy uniform because let’s face it cats and fancy uniforms do not make good partners), and surrounding yourself with beautiful hangers on of your preferred sex and orientation (er… hang on… this is supposed to be bad?)

Ahem

So that’s one set of stupid. Others have done a better job with the Hatchette hatchet job attempt on Amazon (and damn, unless they’re aiming for authors and readers they’re really doing a shitty job of it). I’m inclined to suspect the latest analysis of Amazon sales figures is the real reason Hatchette is trying to chop Amazon off at the knees. The fact that they’re having difficulty reaching the ankles is another issue altogether.

Take note, folks, in Romance and SFF, indies are eating the Big However Many It Is These Days lunch. And their breakfast and dinner as well. While giving them the finger and smiling sweetly.

In other genres indies are matching the Big Wankers or somewhere in that general vicinity, so yeah, the dinosaurs are running… er… lumbering scared. They don’t have anything close to a lock on what people can see or buy any more, and that means they’re losing the ability to tell people what to think.

Except they never really managed that anyway. Nobody did. Even when you catch them early and infest them you won’t get them all, particularly the cussed independents like us. When there’s no way to control everything people see and hear and experience, there’s no way anyone is going to control what they think.

Yes. That does mean we’re winning. We’re hearing the screams of panic and outrage as the Titanic goes under (they didn’t head for the lifeboats because the Big Publishing Titanic couldn’t possibly sink, so it must have been a drill or something), and ah, such sweet music it makes.

I might almost miss the screams when they finally sink. Almost.

70 Comments
  1. Um, I have a stolen Goodyear Blimp with a heat ray installed on it. But I don’t want to rule the world (too much work). Does that count as Evil?

    July 17, 2014
    • Exactly! The conquering’s the fun part, anyway…

      July 17, 2014
      • Sarah looks at son-by-very-late-adoption. Yep. Mine from the top of his horns to the bottom of his woofikins which he don’t got.

        July 17, 2014
        • Kate Paulk #

          And very cute hoofikins they are, too.

          July 17, 2014
          • Just because I’ve got large nails is no reason to cast aspersions about my parentage. Nor is the indisputable fact that I am in direct – and short – descent from the Irreverend. Hey, maybe that’s where I got my no-really-they’re-NOT-hooves. That’d explain a LOT. AND (wait for it) that’s the Pascoe side of the family.

            July 19, 2014
            • Kate Paulk #

              Hey, I’m related to you. We share that Pascoe side of the family, and *I* don’t mind the hoofikins.

              July 19, 2014
    • Evil? Not quite enough stuff for that. Besides, you can make the world’s fastest grilled cheese with it.

      July 17, 2014
      • I’ve been trying to commercialize it. The best I’ve been able to do is put it in a device like a microwave that pops an entire bag of popcorn at once, instantly. Not sure there’s a market.

        July 18, 2014
        • fontofworlds #

          I dunno. If you can eliminate that hard, half burned, unfurled corn at the bottom of the bag, that might be worth it. But really, I want a ride in a zeppelin. That would be fun. For, ahh, humanity’s sake. *ducks*

          This time around, we can skip the walls of thermite. Perhaps it will only be usable once, but… I’d like to survive the experience. Falling from great height while on fire is of limited appeal– reserved for those who have displeased you.

          July 18, 2014
          • (Heh, The doctor DID re-name the stolen craft “Fireball” just for grins.)

            July 18, 2014
    • Lemming #

      Maybe start with conquering the “Tri State Area?”

      July 18, 2014
      • Kate Paulk #

        Hm… now that’s not a bad idea. Just conquer the area a little bit, for practice.

        July 18, 2014
        • “Today 4339 East Elm Street! Tomorrow, the Neighborhood!”

          July 18, 2014
  2. Scott #

    Kate, I finally bit the bullet and downloaded Kindle for Pc with Accessability Plugin. Other than the voice being robotic it works!
    I got a pile of books the Con series, the Red, Black and Blue effect and gasp even some Vox Day!
    Can I get my league of evil supporters card yet?
    Don’t mind the smoke, credit cards do that after a heavy workout.
    Thanks for the books you all write, now for the time to read them.

    July 17, 2014
    • Kate Paulk #

      Your credit cards smoke? Mine just whimper. And awesome news! I hope you enjoy. Here’s your virtual Evil League of Evil Minion card. I believe the Mad Scientist Speaker to Lab Animals has the actual items…

      July 17, 2014
  3. SBP #

    “Maybe her family was higher up the food chain than the average East German and she misses the good life the good loyal Party officials got?”

    That would be my guess.

    July 17, 2014
    • Or she’s like the old lady in “Good Bye, Lenin!”

      July 17, 2014
      • Considering she’s in her late thirties or early forties, that’s scary.

        July 17, 2014
        • Raised by thoroughly brainwashed parents?

          Or not necessarily even that brainwashed. Animals born in captivity do not necessarily do well when freed. Totally different rules, and it can take time to learn them. And some never will.

          July 17, 2014
          • true.

            July 17, 2014
            • Kate Paulk #

              There is this possibility.

              July 17, 2014
        • fontofworlds #

          You’d think ‘facist’ would be a compliment.

          July 18, 2014
    • If that’s the case, I bet she misses those days when a quick phone call to Daddy could have any unwashed prole who disagreed with her scooped off the street by the STASI for a little bit of “reeducation.”

      July 17, 2014
      • Kate Paulk #

        Oh, no doubt… Which makes the whole “these people are fascists” thing a lovely case of projection, yes?

        July 17, 2014
    • Kate Paulk #

      She certainly sounds like she has a bad case of apparatchik Ostalgie.

      July 17, 2014
  4. Christopher M. Chupik #

    DGW is a goldmine of unintended hilarity. Check out two of his more recent tweets:

    “I hope we outgrow the tendency of technology to empower 20-something males who are angry because they aren’t Conan.”

    Because empowering people undermines the collective, I guess.

    “Hmmm…seems the Hugo awards are letting themselves be pimped by block voters and protests. Basically meaningless as a guide to SF this year.”

    Yes, he’s *still* upset about that. Probably will be raving about the “hate slate” until he’s old and grey.

    July 17, 2014
    • He probably got worked back up into a froth over the Hugo’s again because Tor reviewed the International Lord of Hate’s nominated book and had this to say:

      Warbound, the third book in Larry Correia’s Grimnoir Chronicles, is currently up for a Hugo, and rightly so.

      http://www.tor.com/blogs/2014/07/warbound-grimnoir-chronicles-larry-correia-appreciation-hugo-nominee

      July 17, 2014
      • Is the writer of that starting to get his share of hate yet?

        July 17, 2014
        • Kate Paulk #

          If not, then soon.

          July 17, 2014
    • Kate Paulk #

      Don’t you just love it when they start frothing at the mouth and showing off their insecurities?

      July 17, 2014
    • To be fair, I’m a little bit upset that I’m not Conan either. He’s got the most beautiful red hair and is quite – … oh. Maybe they meant the other Conan? The one with the barbarian stats?

      July 17, 2014
  5. CACS #

    The more extreme ideologues, who depend on publishing houses keeping the market under control, because they will drown in a free marketplace, may be the only ones left on that ship. If not now, they soon will be.

    July 17, 2014
    • Kate Paulk #

      Yup. Steadfastly declaring that they’re NOT sinking, it’s just an unfortunate case of Global Warming (and never mind that ships are supposed to float…)

      July 17, 2014
  6. masgramondou #

    Racism is not a synonym of Criticism, #IStandCorrected

    It isn’t even an anagram. Neither is Sexism or any other so-called evilism

    July 17, 2014
    • Kate Paulk #

      I guess they realized they couldn’t get away with calling us Nazis since that one’s been pretty much nerfed by the likes of grammar nazis and so forth.

      They can’t admit that they think criticizing them is evil, so they just keep calling people who criticize them other “evil” names in the hope *something* will stick.

      July 17, 2014
  7. You guys can be fascists with your plans to conquer the world. I’ll be the deranged loner with an alien receiver in my head. Much more pleasant company than minions any day.

    July 17, 2014
    • Minions can be sent to get coffee.

      July 17, 2014
      • masgramondou #

        But they spit in it

        July 17, 2014
        • And you can shoot them.

          Heck, you can always shoot them.

          July 17, 2014
        • Not if you raise them properly, although they might buy two with your account and keep one.

          July 18, 2014
    • Kate Paulk #

      That’s perfectly fine. We’re going to conquer the world and then ruthlessly and oppressively leave it the hell alone.

      July 17, 2014
  8. Randy Wilde #

    I’m kind of curious about the Evil accessories.

    Are airborne carp above or below ill-tempered sea bass in the chain leading to sharks with frikking laser beams on their heads?

    July 17, 2014
    • Gold. Gold and jewels. Maybe something like this headress:

      Well, for women (and not just the space princess, perhaps a bit more modest versions on handmaidens and lady minions would be a nice way to show off how successful this group of evil is, yes?). But there is some bling which looks decent on men too, like the stuff Vikings liked.

      Hey, I am a woman. I like bling. I also like weapons. I can like both, can’t I?

      July 17, 2014
      • I could do that. A few little sparklies here and there, topaz in the dagger hilt, amethysts in the sword hilt (for special occasions), nice bejeweled headpiece with blue and green gems (to go with my hair and eyes) for formal occasions (victory parades, announcing the annexation of that pesky neighboring country, that sort of thing).

        July 17, 2014
        • Kate Paulk #

          I would be tempted, if doing so wouldn’t make me look like a blinged out blimp. This is why *I* am not the Beautiful But Evil Space Princess.

          July 17, 2014
      • fontofworlds #

        Hey, there is a long and hallowed tradition in the *evil* past to have bling that are weapons. That work, and are very well made. Because having a cheap trinket to wave from the FRONT of battle would be kinda… missing the point.

        July 18, 2014
        • Kate Paulk #

          Oh, yes. It’s got to be a functional, high-quality weapon *first*.

          July 18, 2014
    • Kate Paulk #

      That depends on whether the airborne carp are equipped with the fricking laser beams or not.

      July 17, 2014
  9. Uncle Lar #

    Y’all know how I hate to pick nits, but I feel I must object to the designation of our good Sarah as “Princess.” Now, Beautiful but Evil Space Queen of the Evil League of Evil, that I can get behind.
    Unless of course you’re telling us that Dan and the boys are just a figment of her evil imagination.
    As for the whole Amazon vs Hatchette thingie, meh. I am starting to find the whining and hissy fitting of such pigmy dinosaurs being brushed aside by a wooly mammoth to not be aging well, though there is a certain satisfaction in hearing a serial abuser wailing over the threatened loss of their power to abuse.

    July 17, 2014
    • She is heir to a Duchy of Evil (they’re like Belgianies of evil, only larger, lower-lying (a good thing in evil terms) and full of people with wooden shoes armed with cheese. The dikes are a worry though. They might break, and she draws the line at putting her finger in one to stop leaks.) and that is a Principality, she is Princess. Dan is her Princess-consort, on account of him consorting with a Princess. The worrying part is that makes the older lad a Marquis, and who know what he might do with letters of Marque…

      July 17, 2014
      • Kate Paulk #

        He’d leave his Marque everywhere, I suspect. No doubt while buckling his swash.

        July 17, 2014
        • I’ve never understood why it wasn’t UNbuckling his swash you had to worry about…

          July 17, 2014
          • Kate Paulk #

            He buckles his swash *after* leaving his Marque.

            July 17, 2014
        • fontofworlds #

          As long as he follows it to the Letter. 😉

          July 18, 2014
  10. as well as the only Beautiful but Evil Space Princess of the Evil League of Evil

    It cuts down on the wars if someone wears the same outfit that she does. I mean, the other members could do it, but they’d be so obviously out of their league by comparison that it wouldn’t matter.

    (….Will Not Picture Mr. Wright, or even his avatar, in a slinky red dress with a blaster belt.)

    July 17, 2014
    • He has a red lining to his cloak and evening cape. Or so rumor has it. Matches the red satin lining of the scabbard of his sword cane.

      July 18, 2014
      • fontofworlds #

        @TXRD As well as the scarlet ascot (or maybe it is a scarf…).

        July 18, 2014
        • I think it changes depending on what is dramatic.

          July 18, 2014
  11. Robin Munn #

    Thank you for linking to that analysis of Amazon sales figures; in addition to the very interesting numbers, someone in the comments linked to this interview with Neal Stephenson from about a decade ago:

    http://beta.slashdot.org/story/04/10/20/1518217/neal-stephenson-responds-with-wit-and-humor

    While question #2 in the Stephenson interview is highly relevant to the subject of tradpub vs. indie, it’s Stephenson’s answer to question #4 that really shines. I won’t spoil it; just go read it for yourself. Fair warning: put down any coffee or other beverages, because I am NOT buying new keyboards for everyone at the Mad Genius Club!

    July 17, 2014
    • Kate Paulk #

      Oh, yes. That was brilliant. And I second the beverage warning for his answer to #4!

      July 17, 2014
      • Very much warning on #4. And #2’s well worth the read, although you are a little safer taking a sip there.

        July 18, 2014
    • fontofworlds #

      @Rob Knowing it’s Neal Stephenson is warning enough to keep my precious (war hardened) keyboard safe. I loved “Smiley’s People” even if the whole thrust of the article was dead wrong. It was too funny not to treasure. It’s even better when he’s right. 🙂

      July 18, 2014
  12. Josh A. Kruschke #

    🙂

    July 18, 2014
  13. Mark Alger #

    “Damien-lite” Tee hee. This’ll slay ya. Back in the ’80s, the neighbor two doors down from Casa d’Alger had a tomcat. He was outdoors, y’know… You’ve seen this fellow around your hood. Ready to go fifteen rounds with a mama coon. Missing one eye. Snaggle-toothed. Walks with a limp. Scares the youngsters with tales of “Back in my day…”

    Anyway This neighbor, being a good liberal, decided to do his civic duty and “fix” poor Bud (that was the cat’s name). Instantly, his identifier around the place came to be Bud-Lite. (That’s NOT American fer beah.)

    Your calling Ms. Walters Damien-Lite just brought that to mind — the tale of the caponized tomcat.

    M

    July 18, 2014
    • Kate Paulk #

      Oh, my… Poor Bud-Lite. I’d better not giggle *too* much or my cats will get upset.

      July 18, 2014
  14. fontofworlds #

    Okay, #4 was even better than usual. Somebody needs to make a graphic novel outa that! Talk about redefining fanfic…

    July 18, 2014
  15. Well said, Kate. You brought several smiles to my face.

    July 22, 2014

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