Geek Jokes

Hi, everyone. Continuing on in the festive spirit. Here are a few clever Geek Jokes. . .

 

Some things Man was never meant to know. For everything else, there’s Google.

 

Black holes are where God divided by zero

 

An infinite crowd of mathematicians enters a bar. The first one orders a pint, the second one a half pint, the third one a quarter pint… “I understand”, says the bartender – and pours two pints

 

The truth is out there. Anybody got the URL?

 

There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t

 

Two scientists walk into a bar. The first says, “I’ll have some H2O.”

The second says, “I’ll have some H2O too.”

The second scientist dies.

 

Entropy isn’t what it used to be.

 

Have you heard the one about the sick chemist? If you can’t helium, and you can’t curium, you’ll probably have to barium.

 

A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says, “Make me one with everything.”

 

Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. Cop pulled him over and says, “Son, do you have any idea how fast your were going back there?”

Heisenberg said, “No, but I knew where I was.”

 

Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says, “Sorry, we can’t serve noble gases here.” He doesn’t react.

 

Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?

He’s 0K now.

 

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

 

Hope you enjoyed these as much as I did. The Heisenberg one cracked me up.

BTW – this is the last day for the Calvanni Book Giveaway. Have to be in it to win it!

22 thoughts on “Geek Jokes”

  2. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says, “Make me one with everything.”

    “That’ll be $6” says the hot dog man.
    The monk hands him a $20 bill which he pockets.
    “Where’s my change?” the monk asks
    “Ah but change must come from within”

  3. Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read. (Groucho Marx?)

  4. An atom is walking down the street, not looking where he’s going, and accidentally knocks over a neighbor. “Are you alright?” he asks.

    “No,” says the other atom as he picks himself up, “I think I lost an electron.”

    “Are you sure?”

    “I’m positive.”

  5. Erwin Schrödinger was in the car behind Heisenberg’s and he got pulled over too and his car was searched.

    “Did you know you have a dead cat in there?” the cop asked Schrödinger.

    “Well, now I do.”

  7. How many mathematicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
    One; he give it to three Irishmen, reducing it to an already-solved problem.

    My herpetologist neighbor was trying to breed snakes, so he started cutting down trees. Apparently adders need logs to multiply.

    Some really good ones in this Reddit thread:

    The B in Benoît B. Mandelbrot stand for Benoît B. Mandelbrot.

    So a point walks up to a bar.
    Ā: Sorry, we’re closed.

    Q: What do you get when you cross an anopheles mosquito with a mountain climber?
    A: You can’t cross a vector with a scalar.

    Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “Would you all like a drink?”
      The first logician says, “I don’t know.”
      The second logician also says, “I don’t know.”
      The third logician says, “Yes.”

    A constant function and ⅇˣ were walking down the street, when they see a differentiator walking toward them. The constant hides in fear, but ⅇˣ isn’t worried. When the differentiator gets close, he shouts, “I’m not afraid of you; I’m ⅇˣ!”
      The differentiator responds, “Well, I’m ⅆ/ⅆy.”

    There’s an absolute flurry of math jokes in Klein Four’s Finite Simple Group of Order Two: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uy5G5o8fS70

    And, of course, the shortest math joke:
      Let ε < 0.

  9. (I have a huge quotes file, but most of them are semi-political)

    Schroedinger’s Vet: Specializing in gassed cats and monkeys with Carpal-tunnel syndrome.
    — Tom Scudder

    There once was a man
    From Nantucket. But Haiku
    Does not suit the joke.
    — M. Mitchell Marmel

    An older student came to Otis and said, “I have been to see a great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures. I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment. I have given up everything I was asked to give up and I have suffered, but I have not been enlightened. What should I do?”
    Otis replied, “Give up suffering.”
    — Camden Benares, “Zen Without Zen Masters”

    Those are my principles. If you don’t like them, I have others.
    — Groucho Marx

    The great thing about worshiping trees is that trees rarely ask you to do anything.
    — Scott Ott 4/20/10

    (This one I mistakenly attributed to Douglas Adams before:)

    I’m afraid the holodeck will be society’s last invention…
    — Scott Adams

  10. Johnny was a chemist’s son
    But Johnny is no more.
    What Johnny thought was H2O
    Was H2SO4.

    My theorums require, when mesons pair,
    A particle that is not there.
    It is not there again today.
    Please, Fermi, make it go away!
    (source not remembered, Poul Anderson?)

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