The SFWA Biologist’s Lament

I guess I should warn folks here (although it’s probably too late by now) that innocence is a bit like virginity. Once lost, you never get it back.

The same can be said for those who have never experienced the warped delights of filking – putting fannish lyrics to existing tunes. Once you’ve started it, you’re never the same again. I alas, have succumbed to the evil muse and submit – with sincere and abject apologies to Voltaire – the SFWA Biologist’s Lament…

If, as a SFWA writer,
Biology’s your thing
Take a tip from a former fellow
And keep it in your wing.
For as one soul discovered
There’s nothing they like less

Than being fully functional and anatomically correct
Yes, fully functional and anatomically correct.

The presence of a penis must make a man be vile,
Unless he’s got more guilt backed up than a hooker’s had with style.
The women must be stronger than any man could get,
and the characters can’t ever know that their biology don’t fit

So if you’re a SFWA writer, your characters can’t get
to be fully functional and anatomically correct.
Never fully functional and anatomically correct.


  1. Careful, if you keep this up, they’ll never invite you to the Cool Writer Parties!

    But you’ll be welcome at mine.

      1. Cool Writer Parties generate minor scandals, hurt feelings, and sniffing. Good Parties generate mischief, police blotter notices, and great memories of “that time when . . .” And you usually don’t get all your damage deposit back.

        Not that I’ve ever attended a Good Party, you understand. I’ve just heard from friends who did.

  2. Psst. Applications for the position of SFWA Bulletin editor wanted! See for details. Note the lengthy list of we don’t discriminate — including genetic information? Has there been a case of such discrimination? How would an employer know? They don’t take DNA samples, do they? Anyway… Send in your applications now!

    1. Don’t tempt me… to write the entirely fictional work history of Boobs, Babes, and Bangin’ Books’ head editor and send it in. My snarky side does not need the encouragement.

      And for a ‘pub claiming to cater to Science Fiction writers, having experience or equivalent in a non-fiction mag seems a bit stuffy to me, but let that lie. “Shaping and maintaining the organization’s reputation” seems like awful polished up language considering the foul smelling turd that reputation has become. Perhaps they are seeking someone to save them from themselves?

      Nah, that’d make too much sense.

Comments are closed.