It’s All True

Lately I’ve been hearing a lot of talk about how women were not allowed to write science fiction/fantasy before some date.

The date varies, but I’ve heard anything from the mid- nineties to 2010.

And then Scientific American blew the entire thing wide open. Well, almost. They were still slightly wrong. Or cowardly. Perhaps I’m braver, or perhaps just tired of it. At this point the charade grows tedious, and I see no point in continuing it.

I’m here to tell you, yes, it’s all true.

Frankenstein, was of course penned by Percy Bysshe Shelley and Mary was just a pen name.

All the early science fiction writers, from Andre Norton to Leigh Bracket were in fact male.

And it continued that way. C. L. Moore was a hardworking salesman from Poughkeepsie, and we think he wrote his books in rebellion for the fact his birth place sounded really funny.

The less said about M.Z. B, the better.

Ursula LeGuin was actually Utter LeGuin, a hard-drinking Scottsman with a taste for cigars.

Anne McCaffrey was — as it was widely known in writing circles — an Irish boxing pro, who wrote “her” books on the side.

Margaret Ball, whom we’re honored to have blogging here is in fact Mark Ball, a brilliant and very masculine mathematician. In his youth he held the championship for skeet shooting.

Dorothy Grant? The mad lad is actually Don Grant, and if you saw his discharge papers, you’d completely understand the “Tatical Romance” genre “she” invented.

Cedar Sanderson? Oh, dear. I mean… Like you guys didn’t smell a rat with the genderless name, right? In real life, Cedar is a very tall woodsman who carries a very large ax.

Blake Smith falls in the same “genderless” category. I believe he runs a horse-breeding program in Montana.

Pat Uphoff writes in his spare time from keeping a chop house out in Texas. If you want the true wine of the gods, ask him for a jar of his moonshine.

Al Green, a Oklahoma truck driver, has grown tired of keeping up the pretense. And we’re very happy that Ken Meyers has joined our merry band.

I hope my colleagues forgive me for blowing their cover. I am sorry to say, it is time.

The truth is that women are still not allowed to publish. Not even on Amazon.

My Friend C(harles) V(incent) Walter who writes those delicious alien romances? He’s a lineman. I’m missing our weekly poker games, as he’s down in Florida, working to restore their power.

Lars Montgomery is indeed a space lawyer. And a brilliant and accomplished man. We don’t know where he finds time to write.

Alexander Boykin is indeed a redhead. He has a degree from Heidelberg and is known and feared in the world of competition fencing.

I? I’m Samuel Marques, from Rhode Island. Not only I’m not a woman, I’ve never seen a woman.

In fact, all the women you see on Facebook and online in general are constructs, and clever renders. Some of them are dogs, sure, and FBI agents, but mostly it’s just us guys.

As we all know, our patriarchy, in writing and in life, is so oppressive that women don’t exist. They might never have existed. Or it’s possible they were long ago smothered by the rise of the evil agriculturalist/settled males. At any rate it’s impossible to be sure, though some speculate.

Babies are born from the baby factory, of course, as you and I and all other men were.

Women are a curious and fanciful concept, that has been kept alive by the fantasists of academia, the better to oppress the poor and downtrodden. And us, the guys of words and letters have kept the ruse alive, because it’s so nice to dream of women, and what a world with them would be like.

True liberation will come when some genetic engineer creates a woman in his lab.

Until then, I’m glad to have come clean. It was getting hard to keep this cauldron of lies bubbling.

I hope my co-bloggers will forgive me for finally telling the truth, even if it means outing them as well.

As Kit Marlowe — a man’s man — once said “It would be worth it to tell the truth, just once, even if one had to die for it.”

127 thoughts on “It’s All True

  1. Sarah, all I want to know is where Cedar gets the special shoes 👞 👟 that take two feet off his height… 😜 😎😇

    1. Damn, Sarah. I’ve always considered myself to be a fairly quick witted individual with a talent for sarcasm but I can’t match this.

      As the man who once declared Kate Paulk to be th Duchess of Snark, I feel myself compelled to now entitle Sarah Hoyt as the Queen of Sarcasm. Long may she reign!!!

  2. Ha, ha. I admit that in the brief moments where I’ve contemplated a masculine pen name, the best I’ve come up with is Laurence. Or, maybe, the slightly less clear Laurie. I never thought of Lars, and I really, really like Lars. Alas, I’ll probably just assign Lars to a character.

  3. Reading through that list I can only imagine what shocks it will raise with a whole bunch of husbands. At least that sort of relationship is legal these days.
    As for myself, I am proudly male, though I do sometimes identify as a 300 pound hairy black lesbian.

  4. Going the other way, once I sent a pitch to a children’s magazine (a craft project) as a woman. It was an accident. My first name is Mark, and I fat-fingered the name as Marj, This was back in the 1990s and it was an e-mail submission (one of my first) and I got careless on proof-reading before sending.

    Anyhow, I got a positive response back. Send us the article. When the response started “Marj, darling, what a delightful idea . . .” I went back and re-read the sent e-mail. I then had to correct the name. I sold that article to them, but never sold another one.

    After that I asked my wife if I could use her name when I tried to sell articles to children’s magazines (except Boy’s Life for obvious reasons), but she vetoed that. She didn’t mind if I plastered my name all over national magazines, but she wasn’t going to have her name so displayed.

      1. Must get confusing when they show up at conventions and book signings to meet the fans. Or do they hire female ‘stand-ins’ for public appearances?

      2. I’m not sure what Jonathan LaForce’s romance novel penname is, but I know he has written romances, and it tickles me pink to think about women fawning over a romance … written by a stocky, scruffy, handle-barred crayon-chomping Marine!

        1. :eyebrow raise: Like a good romance written by a guy would be less interesting?

          A major part of the appeal is the notion of Understanding, after all.

          1. Whether it would or not be less interesting (and I would strongly expect “not”), what tickles me pink is the cognitive dissonance that comes from the collision of stereotypical romance writer (at least, the one that’s in my head) and reality!

            1. Oh, it’s a nearly bottomless pit of fun, has been for ages– apparently, at one point the Elderly Maiden Aunt types were the ones who did the REALLY fan-yourself-is-it-warm-in-here stuff, and there’s some really fun stories about it– I just couldn’t resist. ^.^

  5. *”True liberation will come when some genetic engineer creates a woman in his lab.”*

    Ah, so that’s what they mean by “the future is female”.

    1. Hey, it worked for Brashieel; *he* got a wife! Why shouldn’t humans get the same benefit? 🙂

  6. Some of us are neither constructs nor dogs, but secretary birds. Imagine the ribbing my retired GySgt husband gets for marrying me.

  7. Now that this has come out, those who take seriously the White Queen’s challenge to believe six impossible things before breakfast will have to call him something else – perhaps the White Monarch (Variant with Greater Freedom of Movement).

    1. The modern leftist believes that the White Drag Queen was a slacker and does his best to believe six hundred impossible things before breakfast.

    1. Oh, what I didn’t explain: what’s particularly specious about the Scientific American article is that there was NO “Western science” until the late 18th century. And not properly codified medicine before the late 19th.
      They’re playing fast and loose.

      1. The Adam and Eve story is all about “male and female He created them” and both sexes being needed; and they misread it as being “only Adam is real.”

        Aristotle was widely not believed literally. Medieval people would cite him, and then they would say something else. Probably indicating that they thought he was wrong, whether or not they had a better explanation.

        I haven’t read Galen or Hippocrates on human reproduction.

        Now… It could be argued that medical experimenters today regard women as damaged males… Because most drugs and treatments are only tested on men. But God forbid we criticize something harmful.

          1. That’s why we need surgery to be equal! Pregnancy makes us second-class citizens, and society has a right to demand that we undo it to re-attain equality.

            Really, those people actually think they are feminist.

  8. SA morphed into Pseudoscience International beginning in the 80’s between breathless warnings of Nucular Winter and their opposition to Reagan’s Strategic Defense Initiative. They don’t even exist to me anymore and I was a subscriber for many years. Once it was clear they weren’t returning to center I send my collected issues to the land fill. Too much paper for too little content.

    I guess D C Fontana was wearing a skinsuit when I saw (him) on a panel at LosCon years ago.. Pretty realistic!

    1. Yes! SA has been PC for a long time. The goodbye moment for me was when they said that Climate Science was Settled and they would no longer publish any article questioning that orthodoxy.

      But they’ve had moments of suckage for a very long time before. Notwithstanding many excellent State of the Science reviews over the years by leaders in their fields, their editors often stuck their foot in their editorial mouths. If you’ve read David McCullough’s excellent The Wright Brothers, you will know that Scientific American was one of the louder voices of withering sarcasm, discounting the brothers’ attempts at manned flight as impossible and ludicrous, citing the Settled Science of that time. Perhaps they were just waiting for another opportunity to play the vicars of the Church of Science that has plagued science since Galileo’s trials and obscene punishments for his heresies against Settled Science.

      Columns like Martin Gardener’s kept me with them for a long time, but the editorial blockheadedness became more and more of an obstacle and, when he died, that last flame of objectivity and curiosity disappeared with him.

  9. I’ve always enjoyed books by A C Crispin. I only recently learned she was a she. Didn’t bother me. I also recently found out that LA Graf is a “they” (two women as a team.) Also don’t care.

  10. Ahh now I understand. When I married Cedar people started calling me Mr. Sanderson. I thought it was because she was the well known and extroverted one. I was wrong. OHH MY GOD!! I’M GAY!!

  11. No, my real name is Kevin Myers. You see, as a lifelong (whiskey) tenor, I always find myself arguing with people on the phone who refuse to call me Karen, based on my voice. The assertions range from Terrence to Kevin to John to (yes) Ken, accompanied by a tone of insult that I would presume to attempt to mislead them the way I was doing. 🙂

    “Yes, my name is Karen. Really. And yes, my birthday is Christmas. Really. Somebody has to be.” (And my brother’s birthday was Christmas Eve — they stopped inviting my mother to holiday parties…)

  12. Oh no, you’re onto me! It was that math degree in 1966, wasn’t it? Because we all know no women were allowed to study math in the sixties.

    1. We all know that no women are allowed to study math now. Those sexist teachers kept them all down. And anyway, no woman wants to study math, because symbolic logic is a tool of the patriarchy, and if we want to return to the glorious peaceful days of the prehistoric matriarchy, we need to get rid of it.

      And I suppose while everyone is coming out of the closet, I might as well admit that you guys can all just call me Zachary.

    2. I understand Professor Hazel Losh at the University of Michigan didn’t. As I recall her grading system for her astronomy classes in the 1960s and 1970s were “A” for athlete, “B” for boy, “C” for coed.

      1. The tiger mom grading scale:
        A is Average
        B is Bad
        C is Can’t eat dinner
        D is Don’t come home
        F is Find a new family

        After all, 100% is the only acceptable grade!

    3. And it’s impossible that my mom (oops, birthing person) got a degree in Physics way back in pre-history (well, 1962). Just like it’s impossible that 1/3 of my physics class was female, too (and better at math than the two official boys).

  13. I’m sure this is a profound relief for some budding writers coming up through the ranks that they no longer have to consider having a “Lopadicoffamie” procedure done in order to become published, successful authors!

  14. Hi, I’m Bud. I think I outed myself in grad school by refusing to wade into the swamp that is “women in politics” as all good and true wimmyn were supposed to do… But I just couldn’t! I’m so sorry! (well, not really.)

      1. Why, thank you! I have no idea how women think or what they do, so I just wing it… don’t understand men either for that matter. Well, really, it’s mostly humans I don’t get.

  15. Don’t forget “JK Rowling,” who is really a guy named Robert Galbraith. “Robert Galbraith is a pen name” is actually a double-fake to conceal the Real Truth ™.

  16. *glances at wall of trophies for saber-class and HEMA tournament wins, and other wall of shelves laden with Obscure German Tomes* Na ja. So geht’s.

  17. *glances at wall of riflery awards for .22 thru “Expert” & “Distinguished”. Ask me sometime about my glorious breaking of the “1st coeducated club sport” barriers for the Yale Rifle Team in 1971 (who by the way couldn’t come up with 5 legitimate members or win any matches) — not that my presence changed their stats any (too much weed — that’s my story & I’m sticking to it).

    1. And yours are probably real. Somewhere I have a medal for expert pistol shot, which means I got lucky once and/or the military test isn’t hard – after all, I’ve only been to the range about 6 times in my life (Colt 1911 pistol mainly, M14 once).

      1. 5 years of summer camp and free access to .22s. My parents would lament every year about getting pictures of me with a gun in the camp yearbook instead of a canoe paddle or a tennis racket.

        1. That would do it. I wanted to start a shooting club at my under-grad institution, but no one else was interested. Too close to a big city, I suspect, so too few students with shooting backgrounds.

          1. In 75 I was living in a mixed floor door at Drexel (in Philadelphia near UPenn) and one of the women on the floor above ours was on the rifle team and kept her target .22 rifle in her room!!!! She pulled it out one evening and we all ooh/aah over it, she put it back and we all forgot about it.

            Now, fainting couches and counsellors for the ‘triggered’… Sheesh

  18. Time for me to go rewatch “We Love You, Sally Carmichael.” It’s kind of out of left field, but it’s actually a comedy about the author of a Twilight-esque series who is secretly a man who has absolute contempt for his own novels. And he only continues to write them because his publisher threatens him with lawsuits for loss of revenue and to reveal his actual identity if he doesn’t keep producing.

  19. Scientific American declares biological sex is construct to ‘reinforce gender and racial divisions’

    That headline is almost good. It just needs a small change.

    Scientific American declares ‘biological sex is construct’ to reinforce gender and racial divisions

  20. You write: I? I’m Samuel Marques, from Rhode Island. Not only I’m not a woman, I’ve never seen a woman.

    Well, of course. We’ve all known for years that you’re a white Mormon male with a great rack. I just didn’t know you were from Rhode Island.

  21. “Reality is that which, when you stop believing it, doesn’t go away.” -Philip K Dick

  22. Wait a minute…you were able to get the girl skinsuit that lets you pretend to be a White Male Mormon with a great rack perfectly?

    How in the hell did you get that?!? And, how much was yours?

          1. Those are vintage, so it’s almost impossible to get the parts. Which is why you’re having so many issues. Nobody makes generic parts for them and the OEM are difficult to find if you’re not willing to search the hell out of the boneyard.

          2. Maybe I should shell out for the supermodel skinsuit . . . Maybe just rent it and get some really hot pix taken, for my author page and facebook icon etc.

            1. If I can ever afford the skinsuit I want, God knows it’ll never come off.

              But, then again, “the one I want” resembles something out of a bad ’90s comic book that saw manga, said “the more tits and muscles the better!” and can shatter small mountain ranges between my thighs.

  23. [quote]Frankenstein, was of course penned by Percy Bysshe Shelley and Mary was just a pen name.[/quote]

    Well I do have a theory that Mary Shelleys husband (a well known poet at the time) wrote Frankenstein and had it published under his wife’s name so it would not take away from his “Serious work”. Which could explain why she never published anything again after his death.

    With that said this is purely a hunch and well into “Conspiracy Theory Territory” and mainly created from listening to a speaker who kept saying her husband was “the worst”. Just you mentioning her made me comment 🙂

  24. Well. What a disappointing confessional here.

    I’ll keep reading you, though, Sam. You’re still an Odd like me – celibate Mormons being quite a rare sight, especially in Rhode Island.

  25. Ya know, Sam, while I’m glad you think the Alien Brides books are delicious, you really shouldn’t be eating them. Poker tourney when I return still on?

  26. Dang. At least the Activist. Healer. Radical intersectionalist poet. Nonwhite. Ecosexual. Pronouns: variable. Selfless and brave Titania McGrath, over at twitter is really woman, ain’t she?

  27. Then there’s the strange case of tiptree who wrote under his real name, James, but attended cons in drag, registering as Raconna Sheldon, an obvious alias.

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