When you haven’t been able to do something for along time, it’s bloody difficult to get back to it – or rather, it’s easy enough to pick up and do a little bit, but building the habit again… not so much.
Writing-wise I’ve been having trouble for a while. I’ll get the occasional break-through that insists on being written now, but then there’s nothing for ages. The nothing for ages is actually worse than that: I’m not at my best if I’m not letting it out, and it means I’m not in the habit of writing so the need to do so goes dim. If I let it go too long I can get myself into a rather unpleasant downward spiral.
It’s a bit like exercise that way, or practicing a musical instrument, or drawing, or pretty much any other endeavor, really. If you don’t do it regularly, you lose the knack. You may still be able to do it, but the near-instinctive grasp of what to do when and how just isn’t there.
So, I’ve been keeping up with writing really crappy fanfic. Very, very slowly.
Some days a sentence is as much as I can manage. Other days I might get a paragraph. Occasionally I’ll get on a bit of a roll and I might manage a page or more. Alas, the ability to slip into writing trance and leave scorch marks on the keyboard appears to have been lost in a hormonally induced haze (I’ll take it. It beats the complete collapse my mother suffered at about this age, and it really beats the way her mother wound up committed to a mental institution for over a year at about the same age. Hormonal haze and functional will do) at least for now. I remain hopeful that the haze and the hot flashes and the complete lack of ability to properly maintain my own bloody body temperature will settle down. It’s kind of maddening feeling like it’s way too hot from the shoulders up and having cold feet at the same time. Just saying.
Anyway, the crappy Harry Potter fanfic is making very slow progress. There’s a plot hidden in the rather stodgy prose and the gratuitous shoveling of fanfic memes into the thing to see how many I can fit there. The plot probably won’t really show itself for a while, though, since I’m playing a meme-cluster that should more or less follow canon for a while yet.
And that, dear fellow Mad Geniuses, is evidence that I should not be allowed out without a minder. When I start going meta and talking about meme-clusters in fanfic, it’s definitely time to tell me to shut up and go to bed.
After I push a few sentences out so I keep making some progress, no matter how slow.