How To Be A Very Bad Writer

I don’t like the normal April Fool’s thing, where you pull a prank on your readers, because I think it’s a violation of reader/writer trust and also that it’s a glut of foolishness in one day.  In the past I’ve done wink wink nudge nudge, you know we’re both joking and got away with it, but this year I want to do something different.

Having been informed that simply suggesting stories we like for the Hugo is a bad thing, because stories we like are inherently bad, and having compared the stories we like — people like Kevin J. Anderson and Jim Butcher and the people who regularly win awards, we’ve come to the conclusion the syllogism goes something like this: bad writing sells (A LOT) and good writing gets awards (but doesn’t sell a heck of a lot.)

Now, of course the goal of every writer is to get lots of awards and either starve in a garret or achieve tenure at the university where they have their day job.  That is after all what Shakespeare would have aspired to if he’d been alive today.  Marlowe too, if he’d not been so busy being a triple agent.  And Jane Austen herself is recorded as saying “If only there were awards I could win so I could have a comfy tenured position.  Perhaps in women’s studies.  I can study women like nobody’s business.  I have a small hand mirror, and it would be so refreshing.”

However, there is no accounting for taste, and I know some of you (us) don’t have jobs at colleges and aren’t therefore on the tenure track.  We also, unaccountably, do not long to starve in a garret.  In my case it is because moldy bread has way too many carbs and carbs set off my eczema.  Also, I don’t like rats.  Having been raised in a house where you had to plug up the rat holes so they didn’t run over you in the night, but you could still hear them run back and forth through the window, I can tell you it disrupts sleep and therefore interferes with the creative juices.

So in case you long to be a bad writer, just like many of us dream of being bad writers, here are ten tips to speed you on your way. (Tips presented in no particular order.)

1- Do attempt to write a story in the genre you’re aiming for.

Thanks to indie, you can now do more cross-genre stuff, so obviously that’s not what we’re talking about here.  More this: if you aim to write mystery there should be a crime or at least the suggestion of something illegal going on.  If you aim to write science fiction there should be some science or futurism involved.  If you aim to write fantasy, there should be something fantastic happening and some sort of supernatural reason it happens beyond “it’s magically convenient to the plot.”

Sure if you want to win awards it’s fine for fantasy to just have someone fantasize or dream or hallucinate.  But the reading rubble and their pocket book won’t be parted for anything less than the supernatural in fantasy, the sciency in science and the mysterious in mystery.  Go figure.

2- Know what you’re writing about.

For instance if you have your character go into a rough bar in the US in the twentieth century, be aware those uncouth troglodytes are more likely to drink beer than gin.  Worse, they’re likely to drink domestic beer.  Or make sure your science makes sense and also that it sounds like science fiction and that your opening scene doesn’t sound like badly written fanfic fantasy.  And if you’re writing something set in, say, the 1930s, study the time like Bad Writer Larry Correia did, instead of relying on comic books and bad movies for your research.

This will totally kill your chances at an award, where the cogniscenti KNOW history as portrayed by Hollywood is really true, but remember, this is how to be a bad writer and you must make some sacrifices.

3 – Let your writing be transparent.

The words are not supposed to get in the way of what you’re trying to say, and your sentences should parse.  Yes, I know, some people like John C. Wright and on occasion myself (both of whom are admittedly bad writers) can sound like we nursed on dictionaries and were weaned on thesauri.  This is mostly because that’s who we are.  However our sentences still parse.  We still make sense and we don’t use big words just for the joy of showing we know them.  This means we are bad writers.  There is some room for bad writers like us to make money. However, if you want to be a REALLY bad writer, who sleeps on a pile of money, you should continually strive to make your words disappear and for people to see only story.  (This is somewhat different in short stories where there is room to revel in wording.)

4- Establish Characters

Establishing characters means relying neither on stereotypes nor on informed attributes that contradict how people actually behave, or just reality and life.  What I mean by this is that you should make sure you show your characters doing things that actually lead us to like them/dislike them/see them working through the story.  Don’t tell us Mary loved her little lamb.  Show her wearing out her shoes searching for the dratted creature, and go easy on her love of lambchops in mint sauce.  And please don’t rely on the fact Mary is a female (we assume.  Only the kinkiest trans would wear that outfit with all the ruffles and the shepherd’s crook.  Though, you know, some of our friends… ahem.  Anyway) to make her sympathetic, or a victim.  We know it’s horrible to contemplate but the vast majority of people did NOT attend your women’s studies class (they didn’t have a hand mirror) and don’t know that to be born with a vagina is a horrible plight that means you lose at life unless some kindly and enlightened soul gives you victimhood points and a tenured position.  So you must abase yourself and meet that cash-bearing public where they live.  Terrible, I know, but it will lead to regular meals and sometimes one must suffer for art money.

5- Have a Plot

Ideally, to be a bad writer you should have things happen in your book.  And they should be real things that really happen, not just “it was all a dream.”  If you were writing a more refined form for a more refined audience, you could have “it was all a dream” or “it’s an hallucination that symbolizes his repression and the horrible bonds of capitalist society.”  But unfortunately Joe six (probably domestic) pack and his wife, Jane boxed wine aren’t as refined as you and I, my friend.  They expect stuff to happen in their stories and roll their eyes and snort when they get to the end and find that this harrowing adventure they’ve been following was just sound and fury spun by an idiot intellectual and signifying nothing.

6- Have a Plot that BUILDS

This means that in your plot actions must have consequences.  Plot has been defined as “things that happen in a story” but that’s not the only meaning.  I’m very aware of that since I’ve been reading Disney comics during recovery from surgery.  There is a tendency (particularly in the newer European comics) to have a lot of things happen, but they just happen, without the character doing anything really to bring them about, and without any consequences for each action.  For instance Donald is walking through the zoo and a bucket falls on him, then he walks a bit more and a monkey steals his hat.  It’s gorgeous, well drawn art and very cute to watch, but there’s no continuity of plot and no consequences.  Then he walks more and he trips on the rake.  Anyway, believe it or not the reason these comics are plotted that way is because in Europe things are superior, which is why so much Award Winning fiction is plotted that way too.  Once more we regret to inform you that the people on the street, those who’ve never seen the inside of a faculty lounge expect each action to lead to the next complication.  It’s a horrible imposition and, yes, we are TOTALLY aware that logic (in fact, language itself) is a tool of the patriarchy (we, here at MGC have more degrees between us than a very finely graduated thermometer) but there it is, if you want to be a bad writer, you must have plot continuity.

7- You Must Start With Your Character Wanting Something

And for the plot to take off and move, the character should start out wanting something concrete.  Sure, in more enlightened circles it’s all right to want something like “world peace” or “equality for women” but this is very hard for the mundanes who haven’t been as thoroughly educated as you to visualize.  They’re more likely to empathize with a character who wants to “go home” or “get his wife back” or even “kill monsters.”  I know, again, think of it as the sacrifices you must make to keep the electrical bill paid.  Hold your nose and visualize your exquisite, sensitive character wanting something as mundane as… to pay his electrical bill.  This means the opposition to it will also be easy to visualize and probably physical.  Which can lead to action scenes.  Yes, we saw you shudder, but we’ll cover the need for action scenes later, to give you a little time to recover.

8 – You Should Have A Character Arc

What we mean is not that your character should join cirque du soleil and make a perfect half circle with his body (sorry.)  What we mean is that your character must change/improve/get worse/find redemption, whatever.  It can’t all be “he’s a victimy victim and becomes aware of being a victim and gets more victimy points.”  Again, remember that not everyone on the street is as smart and enlightened as you (or the legitimate bestower of awards) are.  Even long running action series have an arc of sorts, where you can see the character learn and change overtime.  And this is important: the character must learn from the consequences of his actions, which is why it’s important for your plot to develop via action and consequence.  For some reason people who have not been trained to appreciate real literature like that.

9 – Action, Character, Plot

If your plot is properly worked out, (for a bad book, of course) and your character is working his/her way through it by learning and improving in trying to reach his goal (or finding out his goal was not what he/she wanted anyway) you’ll have action and then a calmer, more reflective portion (depending on the book, this can just be some moments of dialogue) while the character and the reader re-orient and get their breath.

In a properly plotted (for a bad book) character arc, there will also often be a redirect as your character, who, in a bad book, wasn’t born being always right and perfect by virtue of falling in a victim class, sometimes realizes his/her internal flaws have led him/her towards a false goal and finds what goal he/she really should be pursuing.

We really are sorry for this one, as we understand it violates the principles of collective guilt and collective punishment or reward regardless of the character’s deserts and is therefore an affront to social justice.  However, you must remember not everyone was as exquisitely trained in Marxist dialectics as you were.

10- Message Should Issue Forth From Your Story NATURALLY

What we mean by this: we know you’re going to point out some of us bad writers have messages in our fiction.  Sometimes several messages.  As the writer of A Few Good Men I have to admit to that.  And even ur-bad-writer Robert A. Heinlein had messages.  In fact there are a lot of very sly outright messages in his stories.  However, there’s message and message.

First of all, even bad writers can’t avoid message, if they tried.  After all everyone has a point of view and everyone has a bunch of beliefs about the world (bad writers just never learned the correct ones, which is why they are so hopelessly low class.  But don’t worry, even someone as enlightened as yourself can fake it) and so it will show in their characters, in their world building and in their characters’ goals and rewards, unless they fight it, and sometimes even then.

Second, you can have a load of message in just how the plot develops, not to mention the articulations and eructations of your various characters.

So what do we mean by “naturally”?  Well, we realize if you want to win awards you must have not just the correct message, but the obvious message.  Stuff like “lower class people are naturally violent towards the better educated, and naturally homophobic because they just are.” Or “Being gay is great and you should get on to telling your entire friends and family who of course will be shocked because they all live in the 1950s and don’t have eyes, and will totally not roll their eyes and say ‘we know.'”

That is fine if you want to win awards.  But if you want to be a bad writer who sells books, your messages needs to be more… what is that word again, we use it a lot when we try to lecture the less enlightened on how to perceive the world?  Oh, yeah, nuanced.   It should issue forth more subtly from how people behave.  You can still have some of it in character speeches, but if you’re really good (at being a bad writer) sometimes you’ll have your characters make speeches you don’t agree with and which are disproved by the plot itself.  (You have to be careful with this though, since the right people, you know, the ones who give awards and rave reviews to good books, sometimes will take your character’s obviously wrong rants and attribute them to you.)

Don’t worry.  The mundanes, aka readers of bad books, are freakishly good at picking up messages from your stories, even if you don’t beat them over the head with it.  And if they don’t get it consciously — unlike your professor in Deconstructionist Literature And Why The West Sucks 101 they read for, what is it called, oh, yeah, FUN and so sometimes they fail to analyze the book to see if it has the correct meanings — they will get it subconsciously.

So if your book is, in the words of a great author “beautiful and full of meanings” they will still catch on.  Eventually. But meanwhile they’ll have paid you enough money that you can even move down from the garret and get some seasoning for that ghost rat.

So, be a bad writer.  And be good at it.

 

 

63 Comments

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63 responses to “How To Be A Very Bad Writer

  1. Eamon J. Cole

    Is — is this why all those college folks said I’d never be a good writer?

    *sigh*

    My hopes for award winning fiction are dashed.

    Guess I’ll have to aim for money and fans, though it sully my name…

  2. It’s about TIME you posted! I had to post on YESTERDAY’s repost because there was nothing here! SHEESH! But here is what I wrote, which TOTALLY ties in with your subject material:
    Okay, I’ve decided it’s time to do some serious research into the impact reviews can have on book sales. Accordingly, I’m going to be varying my style at random, so that I am including NEGATIVE reviews as well as the POSITIVE reviews. Read the full rationale on my blog, which is http://habakkuk21.blogspot.com/2015/04/reviewing-book-sales-closer-view.html

  3. I don’t like the normal April Fool’s thing, where you pull a prank on your readers, because I think it’s a violation of reader/writer trust and also that it’s a glut of foolishness in one day. In the past I’ve done wink wink nudge nudge, you know we’re both joking and got away with it, but this year I want to do something different.

    And thank you for that. I get so tired of folks not bothering to be funny, or even clever– but instead just make others miserable or look silly for not assuming the person they’re dealing with is a liar.
    One memorable example is when … pretty sure it was WoW Insider … ran an “april fool’s day” article several days early, because nobody would buy it if they’d run it on april fool’s day.

    When it’s getting to that point, you’re just being an ass that’s looking for an excuse.

    • BobtheRegisterredFool

      I’ve a couple of jokes that I’d intended for days ago, no relation to April fools. The one I’m attempting to finish was always intended to be over the top, and self impeaching. Repackaging the other one let’s me soften it into something I’m more comfortable with.

      • I pull jokes fairly often, too– my dad is the master of the deadpan joke, and both parents take joy in playing up stereotypes, for that matter. Over the top can be fun.

        I just have little tolerance for those who confuse “it’s a joke” with “it’s OK to be nasty.”

        Understand the repackaging things. 😀

  4. Paul (Drak Bibliophile) Howard

    You know, from what you’re saying it’s hard to be a “bad writer”. [Wink]

    Too bad because, I couldn’t stomach writing the stuff that would make me a “great (award winning) writer”. [Very Big Evil Grin]

  5. Reblogged this on The Arts Mechanical and commented:
    Or make good stories. I want good stories

  6. Christopher M. Chupik

    Terrible blog, Sarah. Worst I’ve read all week. 😉

  7. Plot has been defined as “things that happen in a story” but that’s not the only meaning.

    I remember a writing book, many moons ago, that described a plot as a sequence of causally linked events. Their example was “the king died and then the queen died” was just two events but “the king died and then the queen died of grief” was a plot (not a particularly good plot, perhaps, but a plot).

    • yep. BUT it’s better to have “the king died, and then the duke murdered the pregnant queen, so there would be no legitimate heir” — follow me?

      • Oh, no question. The example was exactly the one used in the book (don’t remember what book) and I think they were going for a very minimal change to illustrate the specific point.

        Not doing a very good job of it though.

        Which is probably why I’ve long since forgotten what the book was.

        😉

      • Scott

        Let’s add some classics here: “the king died, and then the duke murdered the pregnant queen, so there would be no legitimate heir, but then a lady-in-waiting cut the still living child from the queen’s dead body”. Add in the three witches later.

  8. . . . and don’t assume your novel is the masterwork against which all other literature should be measured. . . .

  9. In a properly plotted (for a bad book) character arc, there will also often be a redirect as your character, who, in a bad book, wasn’t born being always right and perfect by virtue of falling in a victim class, sometimes realizes his/her internal flaws have led him/her towards a false goal and finds what goal he/she really should be pursuing.

    But what if your protagonist is a “good girl”?

    • You know, while I don’t want to talk about the details because it involves spoilers for a story I’m actively trying to sell, but I do remember one of the most heartbreaking scenes I had to write was a protagonist coming to understand that her goal and her desires were at odds and she had to give up one to achieve the other.

  10. I shall take this advice and use it to be the worst author that I can possibly be.

  11. Now that I have resurfaced from scuba-diving in the brain bleach tank subsequent to falling down a very dark rabbit hole at Amazon, I have decided that I am going to write Alien Abduction BDSM Tentacle Erotica, but I will totally give it a plot and the human characters, at least, will be realistic.

    🙂

  12. But, but, I always write books that are “beautiful and full of meanies.” And then I kill them.

  13. *looks up from writing a riot in Budapest in 1916* Message? Beyond “the Social Democrats (MSP in Hungarian) are flippin idjits who gravely underestimate Emperor Jozef Karl von Habsburg? Um, let me get my protagonist off the Franz Josef Bridge in one piece and I’ll get back to you.

    • OK, I got everyone home without pulling a Deus ex machina (or in this case a pistol ex pocket).

      Hmmm, I’m not sure I’ll ever be bad enough to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad writer. Character development? Unifying goal to drive the plot? That’s harshing my— ooh! Red dot on the wall, chasechasechase!

  14. BobtheRegisterredFool

    Re: Dreams

    I take it that Dinosaur is much more typical of what people attempt than Lovecraft’s Dream Quest?

    I have long had the impression that dreams had potential for lasting consequences that do not cheat the reader. I’m also a bit of a sucker for VR stories.

  15. Arwen

    Hmm. By reading the above, I conclude there aren’t enough bad writers in television, particularly regarding points 4, 6, and 8.

    • mrsizer

      One of the things I’ve noticed about TV shows that I like is that they usually have three arcs going on in parallel: Show, Season, and Series.

      When they don’t balance (the Christmas episode with no “show” plot is a common example), the episode falls flat in comparison. It’s also one reason I don’t like sitcoms; they are usually all show plot and nothing longer/continual.

      I’ve tried to adapt this to writing, but Chapter is much shorter than Show, but Book is much longer. Is there a word for another chunking of book parts based on things happening? Is the idea just silly because they are different media?

      Lord of the Rings did something like this, but that was an accident of publishing, I think. I’m assuming Tolkien would have been happier publishing eight (or whatever) physical books, not eight parts in three books.

      • Arwen

        Yeah, my tolerance for sitcoms just goes down year by year. But then I like stories that end and television is bad at endings. The show always either canceled too early (Firefly!) or lingers on as zombie, completely out of interesting material.

  16. When I was in my early teens, there was a notorious book prank pulled by some professional writers at a national newspaper who set out to deliberately write a bad book and make it a best-seller; a picaresque raunchy and completely un-redeeming tale about a wronged woman going about wrecking the marriages of all her neighbors.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Naked_Came_the_Stranger.
    I remember reading an interview with the editor of the effort, who recalled, with much laughter, that some of his co-conspirators had to re-write their chapters, because they just weren’t wretchedly bad enough.

    • SFWA did something similar to expose one of the vanity presses. I think the title was ‘Atlanta Nights.’ The vanity press accepted it.

    • Yeah, my hometown newspaper did that. I remember the whole thing, because when they finally came forward, there was quite the uproar. That book was HUGE when it came out.

    • ChuckC

      Is this how “Fifty Shades of Grey” was written?

      • No, from what I gather about that misbegotten bit of fan/slash, there is only one writer responsible …

        I do hold out some meager hope that there IS some committee of frustrated writers who have clubbed together once again to prove that no matter how wretched the writing and how perverse the plot, and how stupid and unlikeable the characters … if you can only cram enough sex into it, than it will sell a bomb.
        Alas, if this was the case with 50 Shades, the reveal is being left waaaay to late. I will have to give some credit though – the parodies and knock-offs are just hilarious.

  17. Just finished reading and reviewing Amanda’s novella “Nocturnal Haunts” on my blog and on Amazon.

  18. I just put book four in my series to bed (sent it to my copy editor) and now I feel it’s not bad enough.
    Does anyone else suffer from that when they finish a story?

    • LOL. Kate and Amanda usually get the manuscript with “Tell, me, quick, is this a book or a cabbage?”

      • Usually I send it to a couple of people to review, but because of the issues this month I mentioned elsewhere, only two people got the chance to look at it this time, and they both liked it.
        One of them took all of the comments they had, and wrote a little funny (or satirical) passage for each of them, which really cheered me up at the time.
        But I still feel like I could have done better, and I want to make my readers happy.
        Now tomorrow I start on the next book. I just have to figure out which of the five in the que I’m going to pick 😛

        • Honestly, I think that paranoia is how you know you’re a writer or something.

          I sent my latest to beta readers and, well…I’m just waiting for them to tell me that I should give up writing and start selling insurance because my latest is so awful.

      • Oh, I know mine’s a cabbage. I just figure there are some people out there with some extra corned beef and in the need of a little cabbage.

        Kind of like the commedian who was riffing on the band “Anthrax”–wondering if they knew their band was named after a cattle disease and if they ever got farmers showing up thinking it was a benefit. Oh, and that if he were to start a metal band he’d name it “Head Cleaner”. That way at least some people would buy the tapes (which dates this routine) by mistake.

        So, will you buy my cabbages? 😉

        • overgrownhobbit

          I’ve always opined that Non Abrasive Wet System would be a great name for a band, as well.

      • Once again, coincidence rears its statistically anomalous head when I’m around.

        On the sitcom Mike & Molly, in which the current story arc is her aspirations to becoming a writer (which, early on, I thought was going to validate the whole “write a book and become rich and famous” meme, but now is trending more towards the kinds of things you folks have seen in the writing world), Molly just went, with her husband and her mother, to a gathering of writers, editors, and publishers, and her mother said she had decided to collaborate with one of the other writers on a cabbage cookbook.

  19. Uncle Lar

    Observation on point #2. You cannot be a world class expert on everything, but you don’t need to be. You have at least two options if you decide to incorporate any sort of technical detail in one of your stories. You can do the research yourself, or you can find a helpful expert to review what you write, catch mistakes, and suggest changes.
    I myself have helped a number of writers on the subjects of firearms as a former FFL dealer, gunsmith, and hobbyist; space operations from 24 years with NASA payload ops; and certain aspects of factory work with 15 years of light and heavy manufacturing. I also know how to nitpick a document for spelling or grammar errors, homonym misusage, continuity, and flow. And I work cheap or free simply so I won’t have to get half way through your precious labor of love only to throw it against the wall due to far too many glaring errors of fact or logic. To be clear, as a beta reader I expect to catch such errors, as a paying customer no, not hardly.

  20. Uncle Lar

    But then again crap may very well be in the eye of the beholder.
    And with a bit of polish even fossilized dinosaur dung can become quite attractive.
    Honestly, most of what I’ve read from assorted MGC folk has at most needed a bit of tweaking for continuity, a few minor grammar issues, and suchlike.
    I did list my bona fides specifically to call attention to having a bit of expertise in certain areas, some of which are notable for leading the unwary author into mistakes and misstatements that get the purists fuming.
    I have been known to throw a book against the wall when encountering a glaring firearms mistake, and since I now read mostly on Kindle it’s in my own best interest to offer help to keep that from happening. Same goes for the space thing, though in truth I was an ops weenie not a rocket surgeon.

  21. Patrick Chester

    So… “If You Were A Bolo Mk XXXIII My Love” is likely not going to work out?