Twas the Night Before Christmas as Edited by a Social Justice Warrior

(with abject apologies to Clement Moore)

Twas the sleep-preferred diurnal period before the non-denominational winter celebration, when all through the dwelling place

Not a life-privileged thing was stirring, not even a member of the species mus musculus.

The gift receptacles of choice were placed by the designated location with care,

In hopes that a culturally appropriate giver of gifts soon would be there.

The people of youth were nestled all snug in their sleeping places,

While visions of diverse comfort foods danced in their heads.

And the female caregiver in her gender-neutral attire, and I in my gender-neutral attire,

Had just settled our brains for a long cold seasonal nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from my sleeping place to see if I needed to call the local law enforcement officers to negotiate.

Away to the window I flew like a very fast thing,

Tore open the shutters and opened the window.

The moon on the non-binary-gender chest analogy of the new-fallen snow

Gave the brightness of midday to objects below

When what to my wondering eyes should appear

But a miniature cold winter transportation device and eight reindeer of diverse size.

With a driver endowed with age but not stature so lively and quick,

I knew in a moment it must be the cis-male quasi-religious figure associated with the non-denominational winter celebration.

More rapid than speed-privileged things zir reindeer they came,

And ze whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

Now Runner of Speed! Now, Mover with Grace! Now, Performer with Fancy Footwork and Fox with Femaleness!

On, Comet! On Pagan Love God, on Donner and Blitzen! (and I wondered if reindeer had orgies, for surely this was an invitation to one)

To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!

Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!”

As leaves of low moisture that before the non-hostile extreme weather fly

When they meet with a non-hostile obstacle, are drawn to the sky,

So up to the house-top the reindeer they flew

With the cold winter transportation device and the cis-male quasi-religious figure too.

And then, in a non-binary-gender twinkling, I heard on the roof

The prancing and pawing of each non-size-enhanced hoof.

As I drew in my head and was turning around,

Down the chimney the cis-male quasi-religious figure came with a bound.


Ze was dressed all in the skins of murdered animals, from zir head to zir foot,

And zir clothes were all smeared in a non-judgmental manner with ashes and soot.

A bundle of age-appropriate items ze had flung on his back,

And ze looked like an itinerant seller of items just opening zir pack.

Zir eyes they were twinkle-privileged! Zir dimples how merriness-enhanced!

Zir cheeks were like roses, not that zir cheeks being like roses is a bad thing, zir nose like a cherry!

Zir mouth of smallness was drawn up like a non-violent bow,

And the cis-normative male beard on zir chin was as white as the cold season precipitation.

The stump of a pipe ze held tight in zir teeth,

And despite the danger of lung cancer the smoke it encircled zir head like a seasonal garland.

Ze had a broad face and a little round belly from eating too much fatty food,

So it shook when ze laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!

Ze was chubby and plump, a cis-male normative old white elf,

And even though it was disrespectful I laughed when I saw zir in spite of myself.

A wink of zir eye and a twist of zir head,

Soon gave me to know I need not be fear-enhanced.

Ze spoke not a word but went to zir occupation of choice,

And filled all the gift receptacles, then turned with a sharp motion.

And laying zir finger aside of zir nose,

And giving a nod up the chimney ze went!

 

Ze sprang to zir cold weather transportation, to zir team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

By I heard ze exclaim ere ze drove out of sight,

“Happy non-denominational seasonal festival to all, and to all a good night!”

In other news, if any of you should chance to find what passes for my sanity, please send it back. I miss it.

 

Update: Welcome to Instapundit readers!

103 Comments

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103 responses to “Twas the Night Before Christmas as Edited by a Social Justice Warrior

  1. You had altogether too much fun with this, I see!

    • Kate Paulk

      Well, yes. I got in one of those moods, and that was that. Of course scansion and rhyme suck – but that’s all tools of the patriarchy anyway.

  2. Try ad you might, they will STILL find something to be offended by. I mean, the whole judgementalism about his diet is not in line with the Fat Acceptance movement, you Sizeist!

    • Kate Paulk

      Well, yes, of course they will. But Fat Acceptance is way down the victim hierarchy list, so…

    • Chris Check

      As a self-identified SJW, who respects cultural history, the original didn’t offend me. But go ahead and continue painting with you broad pejorative brush instead of actually inviting an honest exchange of ideas. Mockery is more fun than constructive dialogue anyway.

      • Kate Paulk

        Chris, you poor thing. And I thought my vanished sanity was a problem.

        To start with “social justice” is actually an oxymoron. Justice by definition can only be done at an individual level, because justice for thee isn’t necessarily going to be justice for me – and vice versa.

        Warrior is kind of a misnomer too – the only SJWs I’ve ever encountered have done nothing but screech and scream and on one memorable occasional proclaim me as the co-Worst-Person-In-The-World for saying that it’s a bad thing to want to expel people from “society” because they don’t hold someone’s idea of correct opinions. In the old days that was called banishment and it was usually a death sentence without having to dirty one’s hands with the killing. It’s really quite remarkable getting ranked up there with Mao, Hitler, Stalin, and friends for saying that what people think shouldn’t be cause for punishment.

        That does include you, incidentally. I posted this as a bit of Christmas silliness with the goal of getting some laughs from the regulars here. Since you clearly can’t distinguish between a bit of satiric fun poked at the most extreme end of your self-described avocation and a “broad pejorative brush”, I’ll tell you bluntly. This was satire aimed at the kind of SJW who thinks that it’s perfectly okay to eliminate (by any means necessary) anyone who disagrees with her beliefs. Satire is supposed to sting a bit because it’s supposed to have a bite of truth. Your response proves that my little piece of fun does the job.

        As for “actually inviting an honest exchange of ideas”, that’s been done, repeatedly. It usually ends badly because the facts don’t support the SJW concerned – who invariably goes through the troll playbook at speed when people don’t reach for their smelling salts at the implication they might not be entirely (horrors!) politically correct. Since you started with what looks awfully like concern troll standard opening (skim until offended, accuse the other party of acting in bad faith) you’re going to have to work really hard to convince anyone here you’re not a standard-issue SJW troll.

        And yes, mockery is much more fun. It’s Christmas. I’m damn well going to have fun and I’ll have it my way. The constructive discussion is all over this blog – but you didn’t look anywhere else, did you?

      • Ah yes. The usual concern troll attempt at playing the moral high ground. Please. You’re beneath us simply for being dishonest and weasel-tongued. You SJWs are never interested in honest exchanges of ideas. If you were, you wouldn’t have to constantly lie, like you did here, accusing of ‘painting with a broad brush’. You have a plank poking out your eyes.

        We’ve spent a lot of time having to deal with your lot, so a number of us are no longer fooled. We’ve been harassed, yelled at, accused of falsehoods, had our words taken out of context and misrepresented everywhere, had threats levelled at us, been stalked for years… and us defending ourselves is labelled by your ilk as ‘evil’, or ‘misogyny’ or ‘homophobia’ or ‘racism’ and ‘rape apology’ or all sorts of ridiculous bullshit while constantly changing the goalposts and meanings of words to suit your ineffable standards of the evershifting moment.

        And if we dare gather evidence it’s ‘profiling’. Here’s an example of one of your fellow travellers’ harassment of not just myself, but several other folks here.
        https://forums.affsdiary.com/viewtopic.php?f=2&t=41

        So yeah, nah. That’s the kind of guy you think is a ‘reasonable’ person, someone ‘acceptable’ because he ‘holds the pre-approved ideas.’ Since it’s clear you SJWs like to treat people as groups and condemn people as collectives instead of as individuals, I fail to see why we can’t do the same and condemn you out of hand for having this guy on your side.

        That’s equality right there.

      • Dan Lane

        *raises eyebrow*

        Tolerance seems to be in short supply, then, Chuck? That’s my culture and history you are snidely looking down your nose at. Mockery works best when it approximates the object of mockery so well… And it seems to have struck a nerve there.

        Do the cause of SJW’s everywhere a favor and read The Internet Arguing Checklist. It will also offend you, but things worth doing are often hard.

        Drive-by commenting, defined by a twitteresque bare few lines stripped of “constructive dialogue,” can also get you mocked. A lot. You may well be offended. Tough titty said the kitty. There’s a lot said and done by your fellow proud proponents of “social justice” that is offensive to me and mine, too.

        If you want to be taken seriously, have a point and back it up. Defend your logic. Be aware that there are some rather intelligent folks here who do not tolerate bullsh*t, anecdote masquerading as data, or statistics of questionable virtue.

        Also, be aware that verbal punches are not pulled around this blog. You won’t bleed. But hearing things that contradict one’s worldview can be difficult to process. Headaches can be common. They won’t kill you.

        Readers and writers from both sides of the political spectrum read and comment here. There’s no shame in enjoying the works of someone on the opposite side of the political aisle, or of even agreeing with them on some things and not on others. Personally, I couldn’t give less of a damn what any of the author’s I read vote or what their politics are, as long as it’s a good story and the methods they teach are good. That’s something of a reoccurring theme here.

        Kindly step down off of that high horse, Chris. If you’re a writer or someone who wants to be- anyone reading this, not just Chris, you lurkers too- there’s good advice here to be had. There’s also humor, puns (bad ones. are there any other kind?), politics, views on life, and even more off-the-wall things. Don’t crap in the comments, though. It ain’t respectful.

      • Damn, I go run some errands and there’s nothing left for me to chew on….

        Damn right Mockery is more fun, because your type doesn’t make rational discussion possible, always paints with broad brushes, and likes to say evil, unfunny things and then claim it was a joke when you get called on it.

        The whole post was a parody, so I don’t get your call for “An honest exchange of ideas” when “Social Justice” is utterly dishonest right from first principles.

        Hell, your little self aggrandizing pose “who respects cultural history” entirely puts to lie your statement about being an SJW, since the whole premise of Social Justice is that our culture is Unjust as it stands now.

        But then, the liberal mind always compartmentalizes itself so that the inherent contradictions of their contorted positions don’t come into unhealthy contact with one another.

  3. Dear Kate,

    I think I found a shard of your sanity cowering over here. I stopped it from burrowing to the bottom of the local river under a nest of croc eggs. I’ve had to subdue it with chocolate, because… well, chocolate.

    *hands you a little jar, filled with chocolate rum balls* It’s in there somewhere. Hiding. But it’s there. It may have burrowed into a rum ball to drown it’s sorrows. Should be easy for you to consume and reabsorb.

  4. A right Jolly old elf . . . I’m so glad you resisted the impluse to make zim gay, but currently of an odd political bias.

  5. Ohhhhh boy, erm, young person, that’s . . . go have some rum with chocolate balls in it, Kate. You need it. With a mug of gunshot as a chaser. Merry Christmas, Feliz Navidad, Fröliche Weinachten y’all. 🙂

    • Kate Paulk

      Thank you! I get in these moods sometimes. Merry Christmas or whatever seasonal greeting you happen to prefer.

  6. McChuck

    A very merry Christmas to all you Geniuses, Huns, and Hoydens!
    And please remember, we’re “differently sane.”
    Speaking of which, I’m so sorry, Kate, but a little slip of a critter fell in the tank and the goldfish got it. I was wondering why the fish had such an odd expression the last couple of days…

    • Kate Paulk

      Oh, well. What passes for my sanity’s suffered worse than passing through the digestive system of a goldfish.

  7. Merry Christmas, Kate! And Merry Christmas from us to all the Mad Genius Club, posters and commenters alike!

    Did your sanity elope with mine? I’ve tried setting out traps filled with double-chocolate ice cream and tiramisu gelato, but even that’s failed to turn up any trace…

  8. OT, but hey, I just learned something useful. If you have a typo in your product description, rather than doing the whole resubmitting the whole book in the dashboard route, you can edit it in Author Central where you can enter editorial reviews, etc, and the change goes up MUCH faster, like, about an hour. Just be careful because I think there’s a bug in there that turns single blank lines into three. Check the HTML view before saving.

  9. Pingback: Someone Else’s Words | According To Hoyt

  10. Reblogged this on The Wandering Witchling and commented:
    I think she’s going to need an extra jar of the chocolate rum balls hinted at in comments. Poor woman, this one had to give her a headache.

  11. Thank you for the story and Merry Christmas!!

  12. “He dropped down the chimney like a bat out of hell. I knew by the cussing that the fucker had fell. He stuffed all the stockings with pretzels and beer.and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer. . He flew up the chimney with a thunderous fart, the son of bitch blew the chimney apart. He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight. Piss on your all! and have a hell of a night!”

    • Kate Paulk

      Grade school parody version? It reads like it. (I always enjoy the twisted versions of things)

      • Kirk

        I think that’s from a parody version entitled “A Redneck’s Night Before Christmas”… Seems vaguely familiar, and I kinda remember seeing it being current at about the dawn of the Internet Era..

        • Kate Paulk

          That sounds probable. If it’s the redneck version, I’d be horribly disappointed not to find “Hold my beer and watch this” somewhere 🙂

  13. Sorry – no sanity *looking under the pillow, blankets, oh dear I think Foxy (the cis-female-gender-normative African-American chihuahua)

  14. Paul (Drak Bibliophile) Howard

    “Donner and Blitzen” may be from the German for “Thunder and Lightning”. So I wonder how the SJW would edit those names. [Wink]

    http://german.about.com/library/blgermyth05.htm

  15. Pat Patterson

    I read the Visit to the kids last night, with this variation: every tome I pointed to them they yelled ‘KUKAMUNGA!’
    So it went:
    ‘…and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a KUKAMUNGA!’
    …und so weiter.

  16. masgramondou

    From us (“the wishors”) to Ms K Paulk (“hereinafter called the wishee”):

    Please accept without obligation, explicit or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion or secular practice of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions.

    Please also accept, under aforesaid waiver of obligation on your part, our best wishes for a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of this calendar year of the Common Era, but with due respect for the calendars of all cultures or sects, and for the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or dietary preference of the wishee.

    By accepting this greeting you acknowledge that:
    This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal at the wishor’s discretion.
    This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged.
    This greeting implies no warranty on the part of the wishors to fulfill these wishes, nor any ability of the wishors to do so, merely a beneficent hope on the part of the wishors that they in fact occur.
    This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishors.
    This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.
    The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor.
    Any references in this greeting to “the Lord”, “Father Christmas”, “Our Saviour”, or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby acknowledged.

    Sincerely,

    Mssrs Sue, Grabbit and Runne
    Attorneys at Law

  17. Merry non-denominational seasonal festival, Y’all
    I r visiting the parental units and soon all my siblings sorts (oldest female sort to show tomorrow)

  18. BobtheRegisterredFool

    Your sanity seems reasonably close to mine. Perhaps I should send mine in to the shop, and have them use it as a template to fabricate a new one?

  19. Jim McCoy

    Sanity is both optional and overrated. I enjoy life better without it. Have a crazy Merry Christmas.

  20. Sanity is only there to lose. You can’t do anything with it anyway.

  21. Stephen J.

    Not to worry, Kate; if your sanity were really missing you wouldn’t have noticed it was gone. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

  22. I was sticking my fingers under a wet rock -as you do (well as I do) – and something pinched me with considerable force. On rapidly extracting my hand I found a crab in a red furry hat dangling from one pincer from one digit, while it sang ‘jingle bells’. I believe, Kate, it is your Sanity Claws. I have it safe preserved in chocolate flavored rum.

  23. David

    Tsk. It should be the “caregiver who identifies with one of a diverse category of genders that designate themselves as female”

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  25. “on his back”! How could you have missed that error!

  26. I think I found your sanity. I was unfortunately left in the road and smashed by a nut truck.

    Oops! Sorry that was mine.

    • Kate Paulk

      Apparently a few people have problems with runaway sanity.

      • Dan Lane

        I don’t know why it keeps running away. It has a nice home here next to the shark pool and the zombie pens. It’s nice and quiet and peaceful and- Heinrich! Put down that caber! As I was saying, nice, and- Don’t make me come down there, I told you not to feed the kraken! *ahem* Nice a- okay, who gave the flying monkeys dynamite?!

        • Help! The octopoids have unlatched their tanks again and are staging a peaceful revolution with molotov cocktails because we refused to let them evolve and conduct rituals to the kraken!

          • bearcat

            Heinrich! If you have to toss the caber, toss it at the octopoids.

            • Dan Lane

              Ah, crap. There’s smoke coming from the lab again, and it looks like they somehow turned all the experiments *ON* and opened all the lab cages. That whistling sound may or may not be an open portal to somewhere. And I think my dinner just burnt.

              *spits on hands*
              *rolls up sleeves*

              Hokay. Ah guess we goin’ ta have us uh “Peaceful Pacification,” then.

              Heinrich! Get me…
              The Pacifier.

      • People tell me I have a runaway imagination, but honest, it’s most definately parked in my head revving its engine. Sanity is the quiet child I never notice . . . wherever she’s gotten to . . .

  27. lonejanitor

    My daughter won’t stop laughing and eat her pie, now.

  28. Boo

    What? Christmas is only for Mus musculus????? There are *twenty nine* other Mus species!!!! And what about all of the members of genus Peromyscus?? I bet that they *all look the same* to you! Speciesist!!!!!

  29. I took the 25th off from the computer – internet. Imagine my delight on reading this. BRAVA!

    The comments are almost as good as the main post. 😀

    As to sanity .. .. don’t ask me. Mine rode off with my common sense when I was 18 – right after I decided that I wanted to be a cop *and* a writer. I haven’t seen either since then. 😉

    • Kate Paulk

      Thank you! And yeah, my sanity’s always off somewhere. Probably having fancy drinks with my muse, the bitch.

  30. Thucydides

    If SJW’s applied half as much brainpower to *real* issues rather than trivia like attempting to rewrite traditional stories and songs (like you did in jest, but in their case in a dead serious manner), half of the worlds problems would be solved by next week.

    Since SJW’s are only interested in trivia, I’ll write them off as trivial people. IF enough of us do that, then maybe they will stop bothering us with their trivial concerns and let us focus on solving the *real* issues.

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