It seems that no matter what I do or where I go I am constantly hit between the eyes with yet more evidence that the Stupid is not Out There, it is In Here and trying to convince me it’s really, really smart: everyone says so.
The latest example of this can be found claiming that, as history, myth, and Shakespeare all claim, Richard III did indeed die painfully in battle. To which I say, DUH. Battlefield deaths, especially in that era, weren’t exactly known for their gentle nature.
The charitable explanation here is that the reporter is aware her audience is somewhat… challenged and adjusting (aka dumbing down) her article accordingly. The more likely explanation is that she’s on par with her audience. Of course she is reporting on a paper published by researchers who have been examining ol’ Tricky Dicky’s (the first one. The US Tricky Dicky is much later in the piece) battered skeleton and figuring out more or less what happened to him – so what’s reported is already going through at least one filter.
Let’s take a look at this piece…
The reviled king suffered nearly a dozen injuries on the battlefield, but the fatal blows were probably only sustained after he had to abandon his horse, according to a new paper.
What, they think the whole “A horse!” thing was fiction? Shakespeare was writing a couple of generations later, when there would have been a ton of stories floating around from veterans of the battle (as told by their kids and grandkids, most likely). Said stories probably weren’t quite so poetic, of course. They probably involved a lot of laughing and crude comments about precisely what ol’ Dicky was going to use the horse for, since his army was getting slaughtered.
More seriously, we’re talking about a late medieval battle here. Men of Dicky’s rank fought on horseback. And since the spine curvature has turned out to be something other than Tudor propaganda, there’s a damn good chance he fought much better on horseback than off it. No need to worry about the balance and limping issues any spinal curvature might generate, you see. He’s got a seat as long as he can hold it.
Since the skeleton of the 15th-century king was discovered under a parking lot in central England in 2012, scientists have done numerous studies, including an examination of his twisted spine that led Shakespeare to label him a hunchback. In the latest research, published Wednesday in the journal Lancet, scientists used computer scans and other methods to analyze the king’s skeletal wounds.
Since bones are about all that’s left of him, that’s about all they’re going to be analyzing, but other than some seriously confused antecedents this isn’t too offensive (the 21st century examination of Dicky’s anatomy is what made Shakespeare call Dicky a hunchback? Really?)
“Richard was probably in quite a lot of pain at the end,” said Sarah Hainsworth, a professor of materials engineering at the University of Leicester and one of the study authors. She said the king was most likely attacked by numerous assailants after dismounting from his horse, which got stuck in a marsh.
I detect a scientist using “Speaker to Morons” voice here. The man was killed in battle in the 15th century. Of course he was in a lot of pain at the end. Also the top, the front, and the back, and everywhere else. At least he didn’t suffer poor Ned’s fate (Edward II, he whose end involved a red-hot poker and his… er… end, as it were). He got to go down fighting and take a few of them with him.
Precisely how they know the horse got stuck in a marsh is something I’m not that sure about. I’m going to go with “it was a marshy bog at the time, so it probably got stuck because if it had been killed he might not have been able to get off it in one piece. We’ll figure it was a controlled dismount, then.”
Richard’s skeleton showed evidence of 11 injuries from weapons including daggers, swords and a long metal pole with an axe and hook that was used to pull knights off their horses. “Medieval battle was bloody and brutal,” she said, noting one of the skull injuries showed a sword had pierced his head.
Aside from our reporter not knowing the correct terminology (definitely some kind of pole arm although exactly which flavor is up for grabs), I’ve got to say I’m impressed. The dude’s hit hard enough by a pole arm, daggers, and swords to leave at least 11 impact wounds (or worse) on his bones before he goes down. Tough bastard. Who knows how many flesh wounds there were?
And yes, medieval battle was bloody and brutal. Most battle is like that, when it comes to the crunch. Or sharp pointy thing. Or shooty thing. The object is to kill the guys on the other side before they can off you, after all. Modern civilian life appears to have forgotten this for some reason.
The nine injuries Richard suffered to his head prove the king somehow lost or took off his helmet during the battle at Bosworth Field, against Henry Tudor, on Aug. 22, 1485. He was the last English monarch to die in battle.
I’m not entirely sure what relevance the fact that ol’ Dicky’s death was the last time an English monarch died in battle has to the price of oranges. It’s an interesting piece of trivia and just made a whole lot of Trivial Pursuit junkies happy, but apart from that? Meh. It’s a factoid that could be changed tomorrow (okay, probably not, since I can’t see Lizzy – or Charlie, for that matter – heading off to battle any time soon. Wills, possibly).
Even if Richard’s injuries had been treatable, it was highly unlikely his rivals would have shown him mercy, said Steven Gunn, an associate professor of history at Oxford University, who was not part of the research.
Excuse me while I laugh hysterically, Professor Obvious. Mercy at this point meant killing him quickly instead of taking their time about it. We’re talking an era where it wasn’t that uncommon to deal with threats to the royal line by eliminating the entire family down to the newborns.
Seriously, the fact that the reporter thought this was significant – and presumably asked about it which is why Professor Obvious is making such an obvious statement – shows that she isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer.
“A live ex-king is just an embarrassment,” he said.
Apparently Ms Reporter didn’t get it, since Professor Obvious needed to emphasize this point.
Gunn also said it was significant there were no attempts to disfigure Richard. “Having evidence that the real Richard III is dead is very useful,” he said. “You don’t want somebody popping up somewhere later claiming to be the real king.”
Oh dearie me. Apparently the English were a bit more civilized even then. The usual method of having evidence that the real Richard III is dead (or whoever) was to cut their head off and coat it with a thin layer of tar so the head could be mounted somewhere really obvious. You know, like the Ottomans reputedly did to Vlad the Impaler’s head (although with him I’m inclined to suspect it was more to prove to themselves he was dead).
Hainsworth said the wounds in Richard’s skeleton match historical accounts that he fought until the very end.
I’ll give the researcher a bit of a pass here. She’s a materials engineer (I’m not quite sure what the relevance of that is to what amounts to Extreme Autopsy, but it’s not my sport, so what do I know), not a historian. It should be obvious to her that back then, there was a choice between fighting to the end and taking a few of the bastards with you, or not fighting and not taking any of them with you. Or offing yourself, with more or less the same result.
“This doesn’t tell us anything about what kind of king he was or the controversy surrounding his nephews,” she said, referring to rumors that Richard murdered his two nephews to protect his throne. “Whatever else people think about him, he fought bravely until he died.”
Er. Right. Under the circumstance I think it would take more courage not to keep fighting. Besides, back then? Not fighting to your last breath was unthinkable. The consequences of surviving the battle and being on the losing side were typically a lot worse than dying (think Ned of the Red Hot End), and took rather longer than a crapload of sharp pointy things all trying to hit you at once would.
And for the sake of my blood pressure if nothing else, Ms Reporter, please cut down that “I’m smarter than you” tone. You make me want to demonstrate medieval battle wounds on you. Personally. And neither of us wants that. I’d never get the blood out of the carpet.
Mad Genius Club 
90 responses to “In Which Obvious Reporter is Obvious”
ehh, unroll some plastic sheeting first.
I prefer the tarp myself. Doesn’t crinkle the way plastic does so they don’t always notice it.
That’s why I love this crowd. Always so practical!
Just make it look like you’re repainting the room and it should camoflauge your intent…
If you’re not very very careful you’ll have to repaint anyway.
See? Saves LOTS of time!
Tarp saves one from unnecessary cleanup!
…then it’s wise to have the equipment all setup and ready to go then! 😉
Oh dear, reporter has never heard of deaths on the battlefield? I feel sorry for the people who had to endure her line of questioning.
I liked the ‘Speaker to Morons’ bit.
How else do you explain that being hit repeatedly with a sharpened crowbar was painful without resorting to “Speaker to Morons?”
The only other way I could think of was rather less polite. “Speaker to Morons” seemed to flow a bit better than “what the f*** does this f****** idiot think happened?”
And you can’t print that, so Speaker to Morons it must be!
You know, like the Ottomans reputedly did to Vlad the Impaler’s head (although with him I’m inclined to suspect it was more to prove to themselves he was dead).
To remind themselves that Vlad the Impaler was dead? Yes! Ding dong the Impaler is dead!
Well, decapitation *is* one of the traditional means of ensuring a vampire is really, truly dead.
Not only merely dead, but really most sincerely dead?
Brought to you by the Munchkinland Chamber of Commerce.
Who apparently have a burning need for impaler head. Or something.
I have a functional, if cheaply made, morningstar flail I can loan you if it becomes necessary? I can get my hands on most things… *shifty eyes* Glaive… Glaives are good.
I do possess a functional sword which I shall one day teach myself to use properly. I rather suspect that for this person I don’t need more than “the pointy end goes in the other person”
Grr. Broke one of my throwing knives a while ago, practicing. But that’s why I use the cheap ones to practice.
Echoing the desire to take up martial arts again later on. *sighs wistfully*
Maybe sometime after I learn to drive. After we make adjustments so that I can reach the damn clutch with my foot. (Yes, even with the seat shoved up all the way. I can’t reach it. I’m a chibi.)
I saw a midget driving the other day. I believe they make extensions to attach to the pedals for those kind of accommodations.
After I was able to disabuse a friend of mine from imagining that I could buy a Mazda MX-5 for my first car (he thinks I would look very hot and sexy driving it, plus loves the idea of me doing Tokyo Drift style driving) he mentioned that he has a couple of female friends who are my height range. One of them had pedal extenders put in, and another had adjustments done so that all the stuff she couldn’t reach were put upward.
*sighs* My own preferences in terms of cars tend to be nice big pickup trucks with a four-door cab, like a nice sturdy Toyota Hilux. If we ever did get me one nobody else would ever be able to drive it.
H-1 Hummer…..
;_; Cannot reach the pedals!
We can fix that. Just find an old Seabee and tell him it can’t be done
Can’t reach the door handle, you mean. You’d need pedal extenders and a ladder down the side. But the vision of it would make heads explode.
And you could get the license plate GRBTHAR….
But the vision of it would make heads explode.
You mean “This would be funny, wish we could make this happen.”
I still suggestions to get the ‘Peel trident with the racing stripes and flames and Jetsons car sound’ for that reason.
I keep sayin’, if someone will give me that thing and make sure it has air conditioning, I’ll drive it.
IIRC, the AC on a military HMMWV was capable of something like 26,000 BTU, enough to cool a small house.
And I can’t believe you missed the vanity plate pun….
Noooo, I didn’t. I just didn’t have a reply. XD
You know, I just had another thought. They modify vehicles for people who are paraplegic or amputees to have the controls on the column, so all the driving can be done with the hands. You could look into that…
The alternate way to go, if you don’t want pedal extenders, is to have a sort of block or platform that you can tie onto your shoes or onto the pedals. But this can cause some problems with safety, albeit my grandpa safely drove across two states that way in a Model T when he was ten.
(My great-grandma was very nearsighted but had to visit her sister for several weeks, and Great-Grandpa couldn’t take off from his job to take her. So Grandpa sat on phone books and drove the car with blocks on the pedals, this being before the advent of driver’s licenses in the applicable states.)
But the kind of pedal extenders that screw on and off the pedals are pretty quick to deal with, so somebody else could drive if you didn’t mind taking a minute to unscrew the extenders.
I will also note that weekday traffic on the highways back then was very light….
Most likely not… I suspect the only defensive action would be shriek in horror and possibly attempt to flee.
A sword is for slashing and otherwise cutting, as well as to thrust. It really depends on your particular example which is its primary function. It takes a bit of practice to develop the strength and the ability to control one. (Even if just to use it to hack away at your target…)
Whatever, the pointy end of your sword is not intended to go into you.
I’ve always favored a deep rich brown for best carpet color. Hides ever so many sins. Gets too crunchy you call in the steam cleaners.
Around here, there are a lot of sins to hide. Admittedly most of them are of the hairball variety, but still…
Why is it the cats NEVER throw up on the linoleum? Six inches away, sure. But never on it.
Even before I read the post, I have to say that I read, “obvious” in the title as, “oblivious”, and didn’t think that sounded odd at all.
Oblivious also works here.
Me too!
Hilarious! Nice to know I’m not the only one who does a running commentary on pieces like this, especially when the tone is condescending but the content is simplistic and even erroneous. Thanks for the laugh.
You’re welcome. When I get a bit pissy, things… happen.
And it is glorious, what happens.
Erroneous – as in, the article referred to all the wounds happening while Ed3 was alive & fighting, but the report said at least two (lower down, one in the butt & one in the lower back) were believed to be made after the armor had been stripped off his dead body. ( I know, nitpick.)
Well, it’s painfully clear the reporter isn’t all that bright…
A little nit:
the 21st century examination of Dicky’s anatomy is what made Shakespeare call Dicky a hunchback? Really?
I’m pretty sure that, while the sentence construction was a little ambiguous, she was saying that the twisted spine which caused Shakespeare to call him a hunchback was among the studies done of the skeleton, not that the study caused him to say that.
Naturally that was the intent.
That the plain reading of the sentence indicates something other than the intent indicates that either she or her editor don’t have full command of the English language.
My money is on both. If I had any.
Oh, I knew what she meant. That just wasn’t what she said.
You probably wouldn’t have to actually hit her with anything. Just showing her an extremely sharp modern reproduction of a medieval sword would likely give her the heeby jeebies that she wouldn’t shake for quite some time.
At an event, I was always amused by the reaction that a well made sword would give people. The extremes would be to pick up the sword and have a visceral reaction to it, wanting to run away with it {very positive reaction}, to realizing that it was indeed a weapon and not just a wallhanger like you’d get from a mall shop.
As an example of the “positive”, I was at a Western Martial Arts event as a vendor at Livermore maybe 12 years ago. It was a rather hot day, and the workouts at the various workshops were rather warm, would raise a sweat should we say.
This couple walked up to my table between classes, and the lass picked up a light bastard sword. As a background, she was pale complected and was wearing a halter top. She held it in front of her, tip up, and suddenly her head jerked back like she’d had an electric shock. Her flush started below her belly button and moved visibly north, until it eventually disappeared under her hair. Very interesting.
The opposite reaction happened at the same event. A woman walked in from the street, two small kids in tow. She watched some of the class stuff for a few moments, then walked towards the tables. When she realized I had sharp swords on my table, she looked at me in horror like I’d grown a horn out of the middle of my head. She grabbed both kids by their hands and scooted for the exit, kids asking loudly what was wrong.
And, ohh, the stories I could tell about the feelings expressed by people that either witnessed a cutting demo, or got to experience a cutting exercise.
Oooh. I tend to need something to catch the drool at places where there are good swords around.
Yeah, I enjoyed the times I was around a lot of them.
Unfortunately, I’m at the point in life that I’m becoming an ex-swordmaker sooner than later.
But it was a good gig while it lasted, and I met an awful lot of interesting people.
My reaction would be the positive one, though given my ‘golden toast’ complexion, I don’t think it’d be as visible. You’d hear my voice get husky though…
*wistful*
That was one of those moments that stick for a lifetime. There were five other people standing around, and her reaction was commented on by the others later. Several later, as I was packing up my gear, her husband came by and asked how much I had to have for that sword. I didn’t tell him that the “Lady Ash” {name I gave the sword model} had been designed around the thought of women users. I did tell him the retail price. He was $60 short. I sold it to him for what he had, he got $60 off and took it to the hotel to his wife. I understand she was really grateful.
Thirty-six inch blade, two pounds even. A very light, fast bastard sword.
I kept the prototype of that model around the shop for a few years. We used to have a small event we called “cutting parties”, which meant we’d cut up water bottles and tatami mats. There was this little Filipina, a local martial arts instructor, who came by frequently, hardly ever missed a cutting party. I kept that sword around for her to cut with. She was a Tai Chi sword instructor, and had gold medaled five times in Wu-Shu competition. She could make that sword do things that were memorable to say the least.
Oh wow, just TWO POUNDS? Very nice! (I am only 4 feet, eight inches and a touch tall.)
And I would have loved to see that Filipina martial arts instructor in action. It’s been a long time since I’ve been in any class, but I do love watching a master in action. It’s a beautiful thing to watch.
Only 4’8″? Shoot yer a pocket pet. Her husband probably could’ve deployed with you in his pack like a cute Yoda.
I’m, as he puts it, ‘Fun sized.’
*wicked, wicked grin*
My mom was the tallest woman in the family at 4’11” until my sister at 5’1″. I on their other hand am the shortest man at 5’11”. The female average was 4’7″ and the male at 6’5″
Weird huh?
I think I’m the shortest one I’m aware of, but I got the short end of the stick for height genes. The tall woman genes ended up with my maternal aunt.
I’ve no complaints, mind. I like the genes I ended up with.
I knew a Filipina in college who was 4′ 11″. However, she was a horrible person and the only reason anyone in our circle tolerated her was because they assumed everyone else in our circle liked her.
Both of her parents were psychologists, which should have been a big flashing red strobe equipped warning sign. DIVORCED Psychologists, living on opposite sides of the planet. That should have added a klaxon to the sign.
Yep, you should a seen that one.
My experience with Filipinas has been mixed. In the Philippines an admixture of good and bad, but here in the states, well let me say that many a LBFM imported by retiring sailors has become his worst nightmare seemingly overnight. If you know what I mean. Although that says ore about his blindnesses and the personality type that seeks out retiring sailors for those purposes than anything else.
LBFM?
And you won’t find me contesting that in the least. MY experience with Filipinas has been mixed.
Though, I’ll note I know of an old soldier who married a Filipina bride decades ago, and they’re still so in love with each other, I cry and pray that they continue to share many more years together.
I beseech your forgiveness in advance.
LBFM is sailor slang for the young women who made themselves socially available around bases. My own experience was at Subic Bay others mileage may differ. The acronym means Little Brown Fuck Machine.
Sorry but you asked.
Oh. That. I’d heard it before, but not the acronym.
*grin* And no worries, I did ask.
I forget myself sometimes. I tend to get comfortable with persons and shut down the internal editor that keeps me from being sued.
Oh no worries, really. I swear more than hubby does. I can be prim and proper but that’s boring outside of a formal situation.
Besides, if I didn’t have a sense of humor I wouldn’t be able to enjoy watching the antics of drunk Aussies. (Hubby’s smart. When the drinking socials come ’round, he volunteers as designated driver, in return for petrol money and a bottle of Jim Beam, which he enjoys slowly over a month or so.)
Forgot to add: Ten seater van makes it TOTALLY worth it at five dollars a head. XD
I completely understand that. I had to create a compartment in my brain that is labeled, “Honorary adoptee” (mostly for females, but also for young males who are verbally advanced), just so I wouldn’t go overboard when they get to talking about things that would cause me to make comments which are, shall we say, closer to the gutter than I really should be sharing with them.
Yeaaaaaah, remember I said I liked my genes? There’s a reason why I don’t mind getting the short gene.
My parents are the apples that rolled down the hill far away from the tree. Well, Dad was like Granddad. He seems to be an apple who got punted away from his tree.
And in our case, we’re the apple that rolled down the hill, into a river that joined into the ocean, that got carried into a different country.
Hubby’s home, and I mentioned the ‘pop me in his pack’ bit. He said he could have, since I fit with plenty of room to spare in a suitcase (I climbed into one for laughs), but they already had Filipinos stationed where he was sent.
They made sure he wasn’t completely homesick for my cooking, and told him to pass on the message they were taking care of his belly for me.
On reflection, that 36 inch sword would be like a claymore on me.
…We are not putting me in a fullsized kilt and bagpipes if we still intend for me to be able to walk.
His buddies would have been a bit miffed at such comfort gear too.
*laughing* probably.
“I’d never get the blood out of the carpet.”
That’s why you put a tarp down first. 😉
The Wars of the Roses (of which the Battle of Bosworth Field, where Richard III was killed, was the last major battle) marked the end of medieval England and the beginning of the Renaissance in that country. They also killed off a large proportion of the nobility, clearing the way for worthy laymen to be raised to the peerage by the Tudors. Up to 50,000 people died, which for the time was a pretty horrendous figure (as a proportion of the population).
I suspect the death of Richard III was greeted with relief by most of the populace, as it marked the end (in all but name) of the Wars of the Roses. I think it was a case of “The King is dead. Good riddance!”
If they felt any relief it was very short lived. Henry VII ran the country like a mafia don. If you were part of his circle you were going to do well. If you weren’t, well, a typical action was to accuse someone who had some money of a crime and give them the choice of paying the exorbitant fine, which would go to the King or one of his men, or being bankrupted by the legal proceedings. In many ways it was a continuation of Henry VI rule except Henry VI didn’t do that kind of stuff (he was too pious and too easily lead), his advisers did. Frankly, Richard, being of the Yorkist faction, probably had an okay reputation amongst the commoners as the Yorkists generally tried to put things in order when they were in charge.
Kate, this article deserves criticism but not for many of the reasons you gave. Bosworth Field is fairly well documented as medieval battles go. According to contemporary sources, the reason Richard III’s horse got stuck in a bog is that Sir William Stanley’s counter-charge pushed him there, away from his Lifeguards. He then got overwhelmed by Stanley’s infantry. Apparently the blow from the halberd to his noggin came first (contemporary sources) which leaves me to believe he was probably unconscious or dead when the rest of the blows were struck as the infantry guys mutilated his body. The real problem with this article is that it assert that any of this is new information rather than a confirmation of information we already had by contemporary sources.
I also have to take issue with your assertion that it wasn’t uncommon to wipe out whole families that were threats to the throne. If that were the case the then Henry Tudor never would have made it out of Wales and Richard would have had Queen Margaret killed at the same time he (probably) assassinated/executed Henry VI. Frankly, he probably wanted to anyways with as much trouble as she had caused.
Sorry, I’ve bee reading far too much on this time period lately for research. I’ve pulled a lot of my info from the Osprey Campaign book on Bosworth and much of the rest from memory of reading Anne Weirs “War of the Roses” and Thomas Penn’s “Winter King” within the last year. If you want an example of what an evil but effective king looks like you could do far worse than Henry VII.
Rusty, my main history kink isn’t with the – relatively, for the era – civilized English. It’s with the much more down and dirty doings in eastern Europe where there are multiple documented attempts at trying to eliminate entire family lines.
Sorry for being unclear about that.
The whole breathless-oo-isn’t-this-amazing-new-stuff tone gets up my sole functioning nostril and makes me irritable, so I may have gone a little overboard on the snarkage.
In Kate’s defense, the TUDORS did wipe out entire families down to toddlers.
That IS the respected way of avoiding civil wars.
It’s a factoid that could be changed tomorrow (okay, probably not, since I can’t see Lizzy – or Charlie, for that matter – heading off to battle any time soon. Wills, possibly).
I know which one I’d prefer to follow, and she’s no spring chicken…. (for all that I use royal titles for my kids, I had to go double-check which one was William. The younger one might have potential, but I’d rather not have a situation where he’s king, thanks.)
Well, yes. I’d rather not follow Charlie anywhere.
I don’t think Australia will stay part of the Commonwealth if Charlie becomes king – or they will wait and stay if it looks like his reign won’t be long. The impression I get is the Queen is much liked. Wills is much liked. Charlie is… treated politely.
In fairness, aren’t they supposed to write at some ludicrous level like “sixth grade understanding”?
It requires zero background– even of Shakespeare– has little “Get their attention back” information, and fluffs maybe two paragraphs of information into an entire article.
They are – but sixth grade understanding does not mean “talk down to sixth graders”. So, not impressed.
*daydreams about setting Kate loose on the woman who thought that lecturing someone was OK, but them correcting her unasked for correction was starting a fight*
Glorious daydream, isn’t it? Flamethrower-wielding Kate… *happy daydreaming*
That would be fun. Are you selling tickets? Maybe for charity? Can I have the vending contract? Top quality food and beverages!
It hit me after I hit send.
The phrase would be “A cat amongst the pigeons” yes?
My understanding is that Richard did have some kind of scoliosis, but the initial way the bones were displayed by the university made it look worse than it was. I have a pretty bad bend myself but it does not hinder me, and a fit man like Richard would get an assist from his core and back muscles.
Scoliosis does make it ill-advised to do backbends, mind you.
Agreed there. In any case, the life expectancy of a mounted warrior off his horse in that kind of battle tended to be rather short.
Picking the nit…
Only part of Richard’s army was getting slaughtered. The commanders who betrayed him (and their troops) were watching with interest. (Or jumping in on the other side.)
It still wound up being a surprisingly near-run thing. If Stanley had been just a few seconds slower to react, things would have become very interesting.