It’s pretty much a given that science fiction and fantasy people tend to be somewhat… eccentric, as it were. Partly this is because by our nature our minds tend to skip right past the sorts of things everyone else thinks of and off into distant, more promising fields.
We’re not the ones who design the better mousetrap. We ask ourselves what the world would look like if there were no mice and then write – or read – stories about starving cats forming gangs to beat up on the dogs because their staple dinner vanished.
There’s another aspect to this, too: most of us have what might be politely described as “issues”. In my case, they spawn issues of their own and are now into the fourth, or possibly fifth generation. I’m probably also not the only person who’s decided that since I’m never going to fit in, the world as a whole is going to have to deal with me as I am.
This can, amazingly enough, be problematic.
See, if your issues start warping your perception, you don’t necessarily know this is the case until too late – if ever. The mangled input filters will feed you totally the wrong thing, turning polite suggestions into attacks, a correspondent being too busy to respond into actively ignoring someone, or worse. I’ve had this happen to me.
I survived it because I cracked wide open and dissolved into a soggy heap in a semi-public venue. Of course, since my personal failure mode is implosion, where I’ll soldier on until the soggy heap thing happens, this tends not to be too damaging. The people whose failure mode is to lash out, on the other hand, can do a lot of damage to themselves and their friends before they fall apart completely.
It doesn’t take much. A touch of paranoia – hell, even normal caution – can ramp itself up into full blown insane paranoid delusions when things go bad, just as normal grief or stress can metastasize into suicidal depression (this is my fail mode). Add that to a naturally combative personality, and you’ve got a walking time bomb.
How to avoid it? Well, if you’re person with the issues, the single best way to avoid it is to take your meds (if you have a diagnosis and prescription medications – I’m not going to advise anyone to try self-medicating with illicit substances although I’m well aware that people do this and that it can work for them). Even if you don’t like them. Even if you feel fine.
I can say from experience that if you stop taking the meds because you feel fine, for a while you’ll keep feeling fine, but gradually the problems will creep back in until you discover – often in the worst way possible – that they’ve taken over your life again. And – also from experience – going back on the meds is a pain in the anatomy.
If you hate the way your meds make you feel (or don’t feel), that probably means you’re not on the right dose or the right medication. Brain chemistry isn’t well enough understood for much more than a “throw stuff at it until something sticks” methodology: drugs that should be functionally identical will behave differently, and every person responds differently to each drug. The ability to tailor something to a person’s exact brain chemistry is still in the realms of science fiction, alas.
That said, getting the medication balance right is important enough to be worth going through the misery of habituation (my current meds include one that comes with up to 3 weeks of total insomnia during the habituation period. On the plus side, once I adjusted, it let me feel almost normal). As a general rule, if you’re not feeling any emotion, your medication isn’t right. If you’re exploding whenever someone steps on your shadow, your medication isn’t right. If you’re unable to hold a normal conversation without hitting nuclear levels of anger, there’s a pretty good chance your medication isn’t right (conversations involving politics are explicitly excluded from this rule of thumb).
If you, or someone you know, needs to re-evaluate how they’re handling their issues, do it. Now. Before you or they find yourself in the center of an firestorm like the one that’s been rolling through the various Baen online communities over the last few weeks. Regardless of what anyone thinks about the person in the center of all this, the fact remains that this person has burned many friendships and professional relationships as a result of unacceptable behavior caused by out of control issues.
I personally don’t like watching that kind of self-destruct sequence happen, particularly since I’ve come horribly close to destroying myself. I really don’t like seeing it hurt my friends.
Mad Genius Club 
37 responses to “Burning Bridges”
Well said, Kate. Thanks. Too many of us don’t see the meltdown as we’re going through it, at least not until it’s too late.
It’s hard to see your own meltdown as it happens, but what’s running through your mind is usually the first warning sign.
Sometimes I feel kind of paranoid, second and third and fourth-guessing my thoughts. Then I catch the first signs of another episode and realize no, I’m just being realistic.
I’ve been able to head off almost all of it lately, so I must be doing something right.
I’m fortunate that I’ve never had any sort of meltdown that could require medication. Sometimes, though, I’m prone to overwork (well, I’m prone to THAT most of the time) leading to burnout. And I have learned to recognize the signs of impending burnout. I normally pride myself on my patience and on my tolerant disposition. If I find myself being impatient and saying deliberately rude and hurtful things, I tell myself: “Martin, you’re heading for burnout. Go away, and don’t come back until you’re rested.”
“I’ll burn that bridge when I get to it.” is one of my favorite mangled expressions.
We had to burn the bridge to save it
Besides, we didn’t need it anyway.
“We had to burn the bridge to know what is in it.” — N. Pelosi
(Sorry, I’m venturing close to politics there…)
But on a more serious note, some of us have issues that can’t be controlled by medication, we have to learn other coping mechanisms (the one about not talking about one’s odd sexual proclivities in public is one a good share of the population could benefit from these days….)
Or maybe not acting on one’s sexual proclivities, when they are immoral, even in private, even if one will dispose of the witnesses and evidence.
I am not a doctor, I am not a lawyer, I am not – that I’m aware of – diagnosable as anything beyond “Odd.” That said, I’ve been told, and have read, that many who would benefit from medication are disinclined to get it out of fear that they’ll lose what makes them them. For creative types, they’re concerned that they’ll lose their spark, muse, what-have-you. I’ve also been told that’s nonsense by my creative, medicated friends. I’ve further been informed that getting on the right medication was the best thing they’ve done for their productivity. I imagine YMMV, but if you think you might need to, and have the means, I’d suggest at least discussing it with a professional.
I was on Prozac for three years. In that time, I did nothing creative at all. My writing was poor, pedestrian and flat. Many writers I’ve talked to say the same thing about Prozac and similar mind candy.
I couldn’t write at all when I was on Prozac. The medication I take now doesn’t do that to me. Everyone responds differently to the psychoactives, and both the dosage and the medication need to be monitored and adjusted to get to a good balance.
Some medications will shut the creativity down. Like Walt, Prozac shut me down completely. It’s an unpleasant trial and error process getting to something that works – but when it does, dear god the difference!
I thought there was something relevant in Amanda’s professional/productive post of last Tuesday, but what I was thinking about was something I had attempted to write twice, and deleted both times.
There is a certain amount of unrelated overhead to being productive. If you try to focus solely on production, you can miss the overhead and sabotage yourself. Like if you need a schedule to get the food and sleep overhead in, it is a bad idea to sacrifice that for a brief frenzy of productivity.
If you need meds, it is likely that the right meds, which includes dose and schedule as well as the compound, will fix up overhead you didn’t know about, and didn’t realize was holding you back.
(Mini-rant, only slightly on topic.)
I realize that “take your medication” has become a common phrase, but I think it has the effect of minimizing the degree of personal responsibility involved in living with a serious mental illness.
People who have severe mental illnesses are able to live on their own and function in society, but there is more to it than remembering to take a pill in the mornings. It also requires an internal vigilance and deliberate effort to structure one’s life to minimize the impact of the disorder.
Most of all, I believe it requires a conscious decision to take responsibility for all of one actions. I am dissociative and unmedicated–there really isn’t pharmaceutical course of treatment for dissociative identity disorder short of drugging the patient into semi-consciousness–instead I have developed habits and routines that allow me to function.
Yes, in many cases mental illness can be treated with medicine, but being medically compliment is one part of self-care, not a substitute for it.
(rant over.)
Yes.
Sometimes being strict and ruthless with oneself is a way to function without wandering into madness.
Sometimes the brain’s chemistry is such that best practices cannot be implemented without medication.
Ultimately, if you won’t manage your own issues, no other group of people can do it for you, especially if you resist.
Agreed. Personal responsibility seems to be the main sticking point- well, that and recognizing the truth for what it is rather than what we might wish it to be.
Recognizing the warning signs is useful, too. I know when my sleep schedule starts getting erratic, my temper fairs poorly.
Good post, Kate. It’s a good thing, for all of us, to keep our mental house in order. Being an Odd myself, I sometimes need reminding of that. Now if I could only figure out where I put my common sense again, I’d be in good shape. *grin*
A blogger recently commented that a friend always knew it was time to get his schizophrenia meds checked when the voices returned and started threatening him, saying they’d do bad things to him (or make him do bad things) if he didn’t stop taking the meds.
That’s one of the more interesting personal warning signs I’ve heard of – but it’s certainly an effective one.
You have common sense? I hope you keep that well guarded. It’s a rare commodity, you know.
If I have any, its due to the lessons taught to me when I was young. I’d certainly never have discovered common courtesy, decency, or sense all on my own! I was a wild odd. On the other hand, any faults or errors I make are my own, and my responsibility.
I blame on work for why I lose it like a set of keys I don’t always need. It is said with some truth “Common Sense is Not Company Policy.” Further, it is a definite disadvantage with respect to advancement. Management is defined by the phrase “if it makes sense, don’t do it.” *chuckle*
What little I do have I hope to pass on to my godson, with hopes he will not have to learn the hard way why it works.
It’s the resisting that is an interesting key–there is a corollary hiding there about needing people who are aware of the issues teaching one how to manage said issues. There is a difference between “enabling & covering” and “educating & training.” (We shan’t get into “ignoring, denying & blaming” as i might throw things.)
(will stop there–i feel the need to find my focus pills…or take a nap.)
Agreed – someone who knows how to deal with a brain that can’t be trusted because it’s broken in interesting ways is always going to have more credibility to someone else with that issue.
There’s also a difference between sympathizing with someone and excusing their actions – something I’ve seen a few people have problems distinguishing.
Ultimately, if you won’t manage your own issues, no other group of people can do it for you, especially if you resist. This. Many, many times over.
Managing one’s own issues includes taking prescribed medication, self-monitoring, lifestyle adjustments, and a whole lot more. And you’re the only one who can do that for yourself, always.
Misha, I know this. I’m one of those who is non-functional without medication. I really admire the folks like you who can manage without it.
And yes, personal responsibility is a big part of it. Including taking the meds if you need them, and keeping track of your symptoms and other bits and pieces so things can be adjusted if they get out of balance.
I’d go further and say, don’t self medicate. That said, while part of that is informed by common sense, toxicology and so forth, some of it is my own issues.
I’m not on any CNS meds myself.
Getting the right meds under the oversight of a competent psychiatrist is very important, if you have that sort of medical condition.
I have a hard time watching a really bad meltdown.
My failure mode most relevant to the internet is my writing shutting down. I’ve found this very helpful on the bar, if get angry at somebody to the point where I don’t care about the rules, often I can’t really do anything about it. Other ways, it isn’t so helpful.
In some ways, I agree with the “don’t self medicate.” However, as a kid who was ADD before it was cool or had a name…I will say that there was lots of unlabeled self-medicating in our house in the form of caffeinated beverages, gum & smokes (for Father).
The diagnosis & understanding how the brain functions has been much more helpful to me & my son than any of the pills, especially since we seem to build “tolerance” much faster than is useful….
But that is *my* ADD–other individual issues require other individual solutions. Check with competent, educated individuals &/or your doctor before committing too completely to any course of action…blah, blah, blah…
Well, yes. Those who don’t have access to competent medical treatment will use what they can get hold of if it helps.
Understanding more about how it works and working out your own triggers is also useful. There are things I simply don’t do and books I’ve donated elsewhere because they’re triggers for me.
I haven’t done the self-medication thing myself, but I know people who have and/or do, for various reasons. At least one case I know of, the illicit substance self-medication simply stopped after the person was diagnosed and started receiving proper treatment. They no longer felt the need to use the illicit substance in question.
Second this. Fellow I recall was all but flat addicted to pot- but that and alcohol was what made the nightmares stop. Few years later after diagnosis of PTSD and going back on his meds, he’s not so much as touched it.
My position starts out sane enough.
If my judgement is suspect because my brain chemistry is awry, why should I trust my own judgement enough to actively fiddle with my brain chemistry?
All medicines are poisons, and toxicity is in the dose. I rarely have any caffeine because if I had it regularly, I wouldn’t be able to keep the doses consistent enough.
If I need to meddle with my brain chemistry, I prefer at least one outside viewpoint without any changes happening or needed in their own brain chemistry. Competent psychiatrists have the additional benefit of understanding the systems involved better than I do.
I’ll admit that ‘infected gut injuries would seem to be a quicker and cleaner way to go’ may be significantly more my own baggage than common sense.
Medicating certain conditions with certain types of drugs should be done cautiously under competent supervision. Self medication for same situation is something I strongly disapprove of. Recreational use of same type of substances by healthy people enrages me.
“If I need to meddle with my brain chemistry, I prefer at least one outside viewpoint without any changes happening or needed in their own brain chemistry.”
This why you should always pick a dealer who doesn’t use his product.
…
Or maybe you should take that as a hint not to use it yourself.
Sadly, he continues to do this, repeatedly. While this may be the last time he’s gotten kicked off Baen’s Bar, and I suspect that what little Toni revealed about her conversation will make it so, he has been doing this since the 1990s on the Bar and on other venues. He knows he needs to be medicated. He knows what he is doing. I sometimes wonder if he feels that since he is an “outcast” he might as well be a “far out cast” and have some fun with it.
I truly feel sorry for him, and for relatives of mine (close) that are bipolar, and friends that are, but as a result of having watched a close business associate nearly destroy himself, I decided long ago not to enable them.
I honestly don’t know why he’s doing what he’s doing, Walt. I also sympathize with him, and I’m prepared to encourage him to control his issues better. Ultimately the person he’s hurting most in all of this is himself.
I hadn’t been on the Bar in a while (limited amount of time to spend cruising the internet, and you guys and Sarah take up to much of it 😉 ) so had missed that kerfuffle. But after you mentioned it I had to go check it out. Interesting, to say the least, sometimes you wonder not how people’s minds are working, but rather if they are working at all.
Issues can do that to a person. Mine at one point had me genuinely convinced I’d be doing my family a favor by offing myself. Obviously they didn’t win that round, but I know how much uncontrolled issues can warp a person’s perception thanks to that particular episode.
I’ll have to e-mail Sarah the story of Sam The Sex God – a prison inmate of my acquaintance who decided to stop taking his meds, with . . . er . . . awkward (and very funny) results. It’s too long to post as a comment, but if she wants to put it up as a guest post, she’s welcome to do so.
(It’s one of the stories that’ll be in my memoir of prison chaplaincy, which comes out next month.)