I’m sure it seems kind of odd to be putting a list of things never to do under any circumstance into your metaphorical toolbox, but there is actually a sensible reason for this. Several of them, in fact.

First, though, a quick question – and no, it’s not a test. You don’t have to tell me your answer. Are there any authors you have decided will never grace your bookshelves or ebook readers? I have one or two, and I will not buy their books unless said books are co-authored with someone I want to support. Every author on this (very short) list got there by virtue of gross misbehavior as a writer – mostly in the form of unmitigated assholery towards their readers, to the extent that I decided I wanted nothing to do with them. I do not publicise this list. It’s personal. But I know other people have similar lists and an author who pisses off enough readers ultimately can cease to have enough readers willing to buy their books.

Okay. So, the No-Nos list. What should you as an author never ever do?

The first item on the list is never forget that anything online is public and will always be public. Yes, some things vanish into the tubes, but Murphy’s Law guarantees that the things you want forgotten won’t be. In fact, there’s a better than even chance they’ll be gleefully spread far and wide by your enemies (because no matter what, if you’re doing the job right you have enemies. The best class of writer has political enemies because they make people think, but there are always people who believe that the only way to advance is over the slain corpses of their rivals – one hopes metaphorically, although the way the industry is I’m not prepared to rule out literal slain corpses). Which leads to number two.

Never say anything about anyone that you wouldn’t be comfortable telling them to their face, and absolutely never say it in a venue where there’s even a whisper of a forgotten chance it might get back to them. Yes, the industry runs on gossip. You’ll be much better off listening to it, learning from it, and not contributing to it. You’re going to make enemies, but it does help not to make them deliberately.

Never bad-mouth the money. That means being nice to your readers and to your editor(s), even if you think they’re the biggest pile of fecal matter since the elephant trainer mispronounced “Sit!” – perhaps especially if you think this. Take a leaf out of Pratchett’s book (actually no, don’t do that. They’re too good for such mistreatment. But do follow his examples): I have never seen him run down or criticise his readers, his editors – or, for that matter anyone else. Gentle mockery, yes, but never in the sense of laughing at them. The most he does is ask that when he puts up his (paper-thin… okay, convention badge thin) alter-ego he be left in peace. And this is a man who has seen the most egregious mistreatment from the USA side of the industry imaginable (Learning how to listen to what isn’t said is a valuable skill. I’ll talk about that one later).

Never, no matter the temptation, pass on any kind of gossip, whether it’s true or not. Possibly especially if it’s true. Remember, the industry is rather on the incestuous side. Something whispered in the ear of Editor A is common knowledge within 24 hours – if you’re lucky. Gossip breaks the laws of physics and causality (yes, gossip about someone’s misbehavior has been known to occur before the misdeed in question. And it does travel faster than light. These two facts may be related).

For those who have a professional career (the 4 year degree, white-collar salary thing that’s rapidly vanishing), the list boils down to “be professional”, and that’s not a bad way to look at it. If you’re not writing full-time, it’s your alternate profession, but little things like meeting deadlines, not trashing your rivals, and avoiding behavior that reminds people of the spoiled kid having a tantrum in the middle of the supermarket (or in extreme cases, the latest Hollywood sub-star forgetting that their PR is not gospel truth) can make you look a lot better in a field where “eccentric” can be used to excuse bad behavior – but only so far and only for the favored.

Never send any publisher un-proofed work. If you don’t care enough to check it for errors, why should they care enough to publish it?

Never eat garlic (or anything else malodorous) at a convention. Trust me on this: when there’s a ridiculous number of people crammed into a small space, anything with a strong smell gets amplified. A lot. On that note, never show up at a convention without at least having showered and put on clean clothing. Preferably deodorized as well, but go easy on the perfume or aftershave (con-goers tend to include a larger-than-normal number of people with disabilities and allergies. You don’t want people passing out because they’re allergic to your perfume, and you really don’t want them passing out because your body odor would drop a dragon at fifty paces. Upwind.)

This isn’t a complete list, but I promise you, if you observe writer behavior, you’ll soon find yourself adding to the no-nos for your own career. And where better to keep it than in your toolbox?