So, I’ve done a lot of whining and ranting lately. Amanda’s post this week pretty much nailed the reason: I’m burned out. The amazing thing is I’m still functional at all.
Here’s the short-form list of what life is throwing in my direction right now:
The Husband’s mother has cancer. It’s responding well to treatment, but each time she needs a chemo shot it’s a co-pay of over $500, which we fund because she doesn’t have it. Because of that, my con schedule… isn’t. Next year I’ll be going to the Discworld convention and Worldcon, but that’s probably going to be it unless I get invited to attend. The budget needs recovery time.
My job is beyond feral. It’s got so that there’s no way I can do everything that needs to be done, but since this is software testing for a fairly small company I’m living with the possibility that anything I don’t manage to do could be bad enough to send the employer under. The one “bright” point there is that it looks like the team lead has – finally – managed to convince the pointy-haired ones that the problem is not that the testing team is “broken”. It’s that they could double the team and have just barely enough people to avoid going backwards. Oh, and the company is now at six straight months of operating losses, which really helps a lot. Not.
My mother has pretty much given up. She’s basically sitting around waiting for something to happen, be it good, bad, or indifferent, and she calls me periodically to tell me how miserable she is. Yes, this is immensely helpful.
The Husband’s job is rapidly heading towards feral, although at least they appreciate him there. The problem is it’s a distribution center servicing retail outlets, and he manages shipping. Plus they closed several nearby centers and consolidated to where he is a few years back, and volume is now at the point where they’re overflowing into a second warehouse, and he’s doing well when the overtime doesn’t include Sundays. Saturdays are pretty much a dead loss for him, particularly now with them shipping for the holiday season. That’s not going away until somewhere in November, at best.
Oh, yes, and every time we think we might be getting a break, something else lands.
I’m sure that sounds familiar to everyone here. It’s also effectively impossible to escape – every single stressor here is an external thing, and I’m already doing everything I can to keep it from dragging me down. I’m even succeeding to a certain extent: I’m not in full breakdown, which I would have been under similar pressures a few years ago.
What bites, and what I’m not finding an answer for, is that I don’t have the energy for anything. I get home, and I’m useless. It’s an effort to think of something to eat, much less actually get up and fix it (which is why the eating out levels are creeping up to levels that are not good for either us or the budget). By the end of the week, about all I can manage is to fall over and sleep for a while.
Writing-wise, the only thing that’s going anywhere is Overlord fanfic, which… while I can have fun with it, and experiment with techniques, it isn’t really getting me any kind of sellable body of work. But when I open any of my serious works in progress, I stare at them and my brain turns off, or worse, I can’t even look at them. They’re… blood from stones that have already been squeezed dry.
I know this sounds depressed, and I’m pretty sure I’m borderline at minimum right now. Not fully into an episode – if I was at that level, I wouldn’t be posting. Just… barely hanging on, with nothing left for anything but essentials and maybe a bit of fluff that acts as an anesthetic. And, well, since this is Overlord fanfic, some recreational evil.
So. Anyone got a miracle hanging around? Or a lottery win? Enough to replace the job income would go nicely right about now. Failing that, a working space/time portal that I could use to duck off to some alternate dimension and sleep for a couple of weeks would be good.